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Friendly Reminder: John Quiñones Brought You Into This World, and He Can Take You Out of It


Photo by Penn State / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

Hark! This is but a gentle reminder that John Quiñones conjured you into existence, and that he could easily snuff you out at a moment’s notice. Cower, ye mortals!

It’s true: your entire life up until now has been nothing but an elaborate set-up for your upcoming appearance on What Would You Do?, season 15. Every single memory and experience, hand-picked by John in preparation for the perfect thought-provoking scenario. Your “friends” and “family”? Nothing more than figures cut from whole cloth, made manifest through the financial might of the king of Primetime himself. And this zany reality we live in… could it really be anything else but a pre-planned script written for the benefit of ABC’s most beloved program?

Just imagine: you’re sitting in a cafe, trying to enjoy your breakfast croissant, when suddenly your meal is interrupted by a teen coming out as gay to his conservative parents at the other table. They do not approve, and display their profuse dissatisfaction by yelling at their son, who in turn breaks out into tears. What would you do to resolve this ethical dilemma? Stand up for what’s right, perhaps? Of course you would! Hahaha… of course you would.

Just accept it already: all the world’s a stage, and we are no more than John Quiñones’ unknowing play-things.

Admittedly, this realization might not sit well with you. For some, the existential dread may be maddening. “Please, save me from this twisted existence!” you call out to the heavens above. Alas, in vain… for there is no escape from John’s omnipresent thrall. Reality, thy name is Quiñones!

No matter where you go — family diners, a local park, the supermarket checkout line — he will be there, waiting for the right moment to step in and grace us all with his magnanimous presence. Through hidden cameras, he will be watching. Always watching.

Face it: there is no free will, only the dominion of Quiñones. Come to peace with this fact, and perhaps you too can secure a spot in John’s televised nirvana.