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OP-ED: If You Had a Cool Mom You Wouldn’t Be on Campus


Photo by Martijn van Exel / CC BY-SA 2.0

My on-campus friends seem to think that being at Philly is so awesome and exciting because they get to see “friends.” But as someone off-campus, I just don’t see the big deal of being home versus being on campus, so I decided to get to the bottom of it. Of course, it was very clear that it must be because everyone else’s moms suck. If my mom wasn’t so cool maybe I would be on campus too. 

The first idea that came to mind was that perhaps everyone else’s mom is just butt-ugly. Who wants to look at an ugly mom all day? Ew. If your mom doesn’t fit with your aesthetic it makes sense to spend thousands of dollars for rent and flee your home. But it had to go deeper than that because surely some students on campus have hot, young mothers that married their old, disgusting fathers for the money. 

Don’t worry: I continued my detective work and thought that maybe everyone else’s moms are lame. Maybe she doesn’t let you drink until you throw up in the dog’s bowl or give you complete freedom to make a huge ass mess in her house, and you resent her for expecting basic respect. Maybe if everyone did tequila shots with their mother for Cinco De Mayo, they may have chosen to stay home, but that’s why my mom is cooler than yours. But still, something was missing because a lot of students at Penn are also lame. You know who they are [engineering].

There was only one other explanation. Now I can say with certainty that anyone on campus must have mommy issues. Yikes.