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In Fear of Chinese Spying, US Bans Paper, Compass, Explosives


Photo by Editor At Large / CC BY-SA 2.5

As a countermeasure to alleged Chinese spying, the US Department of Commerce has issued a nationwide ban on the use of paper, compasses, and explosives. 

“Since these are all Chinese products, we can’t risk the possibility that China is spying on us through these products,” said Department of Commerce Wilbur Ross in a press briefing last week. Notably, his briefing notes were engraved on a clay tablet. 

“Due to the ban of paper, we iterate it is the patriotic duty of all Americans to discontinue the use of toilet paper, and adopt leaves, corn cobs, and rocks,” said Ross. 

Paper was invented in the year 105 by Cai Lun, an alleged Chinese national. His invention facilitated quick and easy spread of knowledge and communication. It was quickly adopted for use by the Han Dynasty in records keeping and communication. Since then, paper has become the international standard for printed materials. Because of the use of paper in the Chinese government, the Department of Commerce feels that paper may be a national security threat. 

“We aren’t sure of the motivations of Mr. Cai,” said Ross. “Paper could be a trojan horse to spy on the US.”

The compass was first invented in Han Dynasty China, and was first used for navigation during the Song Dynasty. The compass enabled Chinese merchants to navigate their ships easily, thus increasing China’s economic power. 

“We can't trust the compass,” said Ross.“China is using it to project their economic power, who knows what they could be doing with it to spy on us.”

Gunpowder and thus explosives was first recorded in the year 808 in China. It was quickly adopted for military and defensive use, such as in fire arrows and bombs. In contemporary times, all branches of the US military use explosives. Due to its Chinese origins, the widespread use of explosives has been deemed a national security threat. 

“As of next week, all federal bodies will replace the use of paper with clay tablets and leather books,” said Ross. “We have also ordered all US companies to begin the transition from compasses to celestial navigation, and we have ordered the military to discontinue the use of explosives.”

In a statement released yesterday by the US Navy, all warships will be rearmed with catapults, slingshots, and bows and arrows, in order to avoid gunpowder.

“We strongly believe this is the right direction forward,” continued Ross. “The more Chinese products we ban from US shores, the more our nationality security will improve.”

Currently, the Department of Commerce is conducting further investigations on bells, printing, toothbrushes, tea, wheelbarrows, and bricks as other possible forms of Chinese spying.