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OP-ED: I Like My Relationships Like My Closed-Note Exams: Full of Open, Unabashed Cheating.


Photo with edits by Becky Weisberg / The Daily Pennsylvanian

When my professor told me that our exam would be “closed notes,” I knew exactly what he was getting at. Zoom college can get real #boring if we’re being honest here, and it was about time someone spiced things up with a little challenge. Canvas tells you if I open another tab? Perfect. My camera has to stay on? Even better.

Cheating is hot. It also has the potential to destroy relationships, families, general trust in humanity, and your pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive - but that just makes it hotter. That’s why when my boyfriend said that our sex life was “deader than Trump would be right now in a perfect world”, I knew it was time I took some inspiration from my exam and start cheating.

With my exam - I began hesitantly, only glancing at my notes when I was stuck on a question. As I gained confidence, and as I realized that my notes were absolute shit, I started utilizing Google. By the end, I had screenshotted the entire exam and posted it on my Finsta so that I could crowdsource.

With my boyfriend, Gikayla Molub, I took a similar approach. At first, I’d just glance over at those Oz boys who spit into each others’ mouths to foster herd immunity. Then, when I realized that my boyfriend was clearly gay because having sex with me is totally amazing, I just started fucking them. By the end, we had posted a gang bang video on my Facebook (it’s racking up the views as we speak, though my grandparents did unFriend me.)

Listen - I’m not telling you to cheat. Cheating is like, wrong, or whatever, and people say it won’t help you later on in life. All cheating does is help you right now to get an A in your class, spend less time doing homework and more time smoking weed, and give you a steamier sex life.

If you were inspired by the content of this article, are generally attractive, and are looking for someone to cheat with, text me ;)