BREAKING: ‘Right Outside of Philly’ Actually Encompasses the Entire World
Photo with edits from creazilla.com / CC 2.0
October 16, 2020 at 12:37 pm
While awaiting an awkward lull long enough to justify unmuting yourself during a “popcorning” icebreaker, you may have become aware of the startling number of students claiming to hail from “right outside of Philly”. Many parts of the city of Philadelphia are already located outside (e.g. high rise field synagogue), so what might “right outside of Philly” be referring to?
After conducting a thorough research investigation on this matter, UTB has come to the groundbreaking discovery that “right outside of Philly” actually encompasses the entire world.
Our first step in this research process consisted of talking to said “right outside of Philly”ans and asking them for their addresses. Unfortunately, this step did not prove very fruitful, as these students seemed to be incapable of providing us with any specific information whatsoever. The most geographically informative response we received came from Rachel Emeraldstein (C ‘21), who said, “If you follow the Schuylkill for a while and then head North for a bit, I’m like, right around there.” Mike Capulet (W ‘23) just kept repeating that he lived “25 minutes from the city.” Even less useful, Joey Rucent’s (E ‘22) answer to “where do you live?” was a list of 12 suburban towns in Pennsylvania along with the qualifier “I live near…”
Switching strategies, UTB put together a think tank of geography experts, including: your friend who always rides SEPTA, that guy who took you all the way to Clark Park on a date that one time, and a stranger who we stopped on Locust and asked for directions because he looked non-threatening. Together, they spent countless hours drawing up map after map, until they finally produced the final product (pictured above).
In the map’s accompanying report, the experts’ logic was expressed as follows: “When considering the word ‘right’ - one must understand that moving right, for long enough, really just takes you back to where you started. This realization naturally leads to the conclusion that all of the globe’s latitudinal and longitudinal coordinates can be included in ‘right outside of Philly.’”