Unfulfilled Fall and Spring Break Relaxation to Be Channeled Towards Amy Gutmann’s Immortality
Gutmann astral-projecting her vision for a better tomorrow.
October 15, 2020 at 12:00 am
A Message to the Penn Community
Amy Gutmann, President
Dear Organ Farms,
I write to you today out of deep sympathy for how much you were anticipating your fall and spring breaks: dodging texts from your high school friends, nibbling on expired Bugles in your childhood bed, achieving your final form as a shriveled-up slug — all unfairly stripped from you. I see you. I feel you. I hear you.
Just kidding. I’ve been a little hard of hearing lately, and it’s because I’m approaching several centuries in age. Yet, through “personal donations” from students like you, I still feel as alive as the time I personally evicted a humble group of children from their West Philadelphia school. What a rush that was!
That being said, I’ll always cherish the first time I metaphysically absorbed a student's youth and happiness to preserve my immortality. But the truth is that you guys are no longer giving me anything to mooch off of, anything to live vicariously (and literally) through. I am drained from lying year after year about how every class is better, cuter, and smarter than the last. If anything, you’re getting far worse, uglier, and stupider as time goes by. It’s almost like you guys want me to shrivel up with you — and this flawless blonde hair doesn’t just maintain itself! Take James Morrison (C’22), for example. His soul used to be a size S, but with some wear and tear, it’s shrunk to a size XXS. What do you expect me to do with that?
Therefore, my juicy little friends, I have decided on your behalf to donate your would-be relaxation this fall and spring to my immortality fund. To clarify, this will be added to the existing general fee – I’m still waiting on your soul by the end of the semester, James – and I will be eternally grateful as I absorb your remaining happiness with every ounce of my impeccably-groomed being. Some of you may perish in the process, but that is a noble sacrifice I am willing to make. Students come and go, empires rise and fall, and the only things that can survive it all are capitalism, the Van Pelt bag checkers, and my iron first reign.
Think of it as Penn Fund practice for your future alumni donations. Your fellow students and faculty will surely thank you for your civic duty to our school. After all, it’s the Year of Civil Engagement, eh?
Forever and ever and ever yours with no intention to stop,
Dr. Amy Gutmann