A Guide to Dealing with Liberal Relatives Over the Holidays
November 25, 2020 at 1:20 am
Ah, the holidays! The perfect time of year to drink hot cocoa and discuss the systemic problems facing America with your conservative family members. However, we know that Republicans are not always willing to have an open and critical dialogue about the state of our country. I mean, if someone believes the continent of Australia is a liberal hoax then it’s probably going to be difficult to change their mind on almost any political topic, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try!
As your Aunt Cathy is nursing her sixth glass of Chardonnay, yelling that Nancy Pelosi was paid by the Democrats and Big Poor to slip Trump COVID-19 just weeks before the election, it is best to identify your allies, finding the other young, liberal democrats with whom you can discuss your rejection of conventional religions openly and freely.
So for this holiday season, Under the Button brings you: A Guide to Dealing with Liberal Relatives Over the Holidays.
- Establish a connection. Your Cousin Linda that attends Bryn Mawr likely also believes in the impending climate crisis, but how do you let her know subtly and safely that you too are a registered Democrat? The code word: Seitan. This non-meat alternative is easy to slip into conversation while also letting your cousin know that you attended the Women’s March in 2017.
- Sit next to them. While Cousin Linda is arguing with Grandpa Barry over how giving guns to teachers to fight bears is not an applicable measure in urban schools, go sit down next to her. There is power in numbers. If you are too afraid to engage verbally in the conversation, then just pat Cousin Linda on the head. She’ll know you’re there for her.
- Give them a treat. Passing Cousin Linda an extra slice of apple pie under the table is the perfect way of saying thank you and rewarding her for getting a tattoo of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s face on her ankle. Remember, you two have to band together!
- Prepare for the moment they’re accused of being gay. As is a well-known fact, every liberal is secretly a raging GAY, but when Aunt Cathy on her seventh glass of wine starts accusing Cousin Linda of having sex with women just because she let slip that she plans on keeping her maiden name after marriage, it makes it difficult for Cousin Linda to announce that she is actually dating her “ friend” Brenda whom she had brought with her that evening. But, oh boy, are you ready!!
- Kiss them. The moment it seems that Cousin Linda is actually starting to work up the courage to announce to the family that she is a lesbian, you know that this is your time to shine. Save her from herself. Yodel at the top of your lungs and then plant one on her (dear reader, in this scenario you are a self-identifying man, sorry). Screw incest or social norms, you know that the best way to be an ally is to prevent Cousin Linda from coming out and facing family ridicule. Way to go, champ!
So there you have it! Under the Button’s Guide to Dealing with Liberal Relatives Over the Holidays.
Now stop reading, or you won’t make that farmer’s market you were so excited to visit. Live your dream of buying those overpriced vegetables and then bragging to your friends about how you’re really out there doing the work.