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Late Night Wawa Runs to Increase 420% With NJ Marijuana Legalization


Photo by Becky Weisberg / The Daily Pennsylvanian

After a grueling thirty minutes of waiting on November 3rd, the most significant result of the 2020 election was finally announced: New Jersey would be legalizing the possession, use, cultivation, retail sale, occasional stuffing-up-the-ass (just to see what that would do), and straight-up habitual abuse of recreational marijuana. Despite multiple NJ counties polling at 60-65% Republican, literally every single county was like “Damn, I could go for a real quality edible right about now”. These election results function to prove the revolutionary, nonpartisan, political epiphany I had last time I was high last that weed is just really peaceful, man...ya know?

Some important consequences of this decision include:

  • Sending a giant “fuck you” to the NJ police who opposed the measure due to their worries of increased instances of intoxicated driving and decreased instances of being able to pass off racial profiling as “pulling people over for intoxicated driving."
  • Stopping the spread of COVID-19 as people choose to forgo socializing at bars and restaurants in favor of falling asleep in their bathtubs with a burrito at 7 p.m. 
  • Helping me make money off my friends who will ask me to buy them edibles when I go home for the weekend. (If you or your friends desire this service, please fill out this interest form.)

Most importantly, however, is the projected 420% increase in Wawa’s late-night food sales. As college students comprise the most socially acceptable weed-consuming demographic, the Wawas between Cherry Hill, NJ, and Penn’s campus are thrilled by the profits they expect as a result of the new legislation. As one night-shift cashier at the 38th St. Wawa told UTB, “I prefer high kids to drunk kids for sure. Since I’m always high on something or other, we just tend to vibe way better.” The store manager also commented, “They could literally be snuffing Expo markers for all I care - as long as it keeps them coming in for meatball subs.”

Some members of Penn’s administration have expressed worry over NJ’s decision, voicing concerns that, “making marijuana more accessible to college students may reduce their general motivation as well as their tendency to do drugs like coke, which are much more in line with Penn’s goals as an institution.” However, after taking into consideration the fact that they themselves would also have easier access to weed, the administrators spontaneously chilled out a bit.

In conclusion, here is a list of people who are happy about weed being legal in NJ: Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, Green Party people, people who didn’t vote, college students, adults, people of color, white people, convenience store owners, Penn admins, the producers of Animal Planet, and me. Here is a list of people who aren’t happy: police and losers.