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Op-Ed: I'm Anti-Flu Shot Because I Need Both My Arms for Jerking Off


Penn recently announced that, upon return to campus in the spring, students will be expected to adhere to a 

“quiet period” for the first two weeks of the spring semester, get COVID-19 tested twice a week and receive a flu shot before their return. Given all these restrictions passed by this tyrannical regime, I will not be returning to campus in the Spring. I refuse to get a flu shot because then I couldn’t possibly properly jerk off.

I’ve received a number of questions on this stance.

“But, Tony, a flu-shot only makes your arm hurt for two-three days max. You can’t just observe No Nut November?” 

Sorry, Dad! I know that you live a pious, sex-less life, you soggy Mitch McConnell-look alike and that neither you nor mother has touched your Sahara Desert of a peen since 2015, but this meat’s gotta get tenderized on the reg. 

“But, Tony, if you don’t return to campus then you won’t see your friends for another semester. Is it worth it?” 

I’m going to be honest. If I’m not jerking off constantly, my friends don’t want to see me. I'm a terror. They can tell when I’ve had my proper wank first thing in the morning. Ahhh my boys sure know how to read me well.

“Wait… do you like... jerk off with both arms?” 

You don’t?