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Vegan Seeks Repentance After Swallowing


Photo by (with edits by Meresa García) by Geralt and Mim Tasters / CC 2.0

Kelley Porter prides herself on being the most moral member of her family. Every time her fat fuck of a brother devours a Spicy Deluxe Sandwich from Chick-Fil-A, she gently reminds him that he is, in actuality, a murderer feasting upon an innocent creature whose life he has deemed less important than his. Whenever her mother complains of indigestion, Kelley lovingly comments she never experiences stomach problems because she refuses to eat anything with a soul. 

Yes, Kelley Porter has made it her life mission to only consume pea milk and cauliflower buffalo wings (which taste exactly like chicken, but without the guilty conscience!). 

Kelley even uses latex condoms (without casein, obvi) and seaweed lube (makes it extra slippery!) to keep all the bedroom fun eco-friendly. And oh, was she having fun with her recent date she met on Soymigos. Unfortunately, this night, Kelley accidentally did something that not only Vegans regret: she swallowed!  

Immediately after, she ugly cried over the innocent sperm she had just consumed. How could she commit such a heinous act such as swallowing; now all those poor little white heads with their spindly tails lay murdered at the bottom of her stomach!

Kelley has now retreated into the woods for a six-month Mind-Body-Soul detox as she seeks repentance for her sperm killing spree. With the help of healing crystals, essential oils, and private sessions with her guru, she is on the road to recovery. Acknowledging the damage she has caused, she now chooses to only participate in energy orgasms. This way, she can prevent any further accidental sperm fatalities. She hopes to one day return to the self-righteous vegan she once was before any of this carnivorous activity transpired.