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Trump to Pass New Stimulants Package


Partisan differences between Democrats and Republicans have slowed down the process for passing a second stimulus package. President-elect Joe Biden announced his plans for a stimulus package upon him taking office in January that he hopes will get the American economy back on track. However, in a move that has political pundits questioning his literacy, President Trump announced his strategy for a Stimulants Package. 

He tweeted: “This pandemic blows so much we might as well just do cocaine.” 

The bill would send 3 kilos of coke and a 2 month supply of Adderall to every family and business in America. 

While there was some initial negative feedback from the public, as they were worried about the mass distribution of cocaine and amphetamines, once people gave it a try, they were hooked! 

As Area Man, Bob Barley said to UTB: “Wow! Who knew Adderall was so fun? Did you know that? I didn’t know that! I never thought to try it before, but now I can say thanks to Trump! Thanks, Trump! Or is it Mr. President? Thank you, Mr. President Trump. Okay. I’m going to sit down at my desk, write an entire series of Young Adult zombie novels, and then find a cure for cancer. Wooh! I feel great!”

Mitch McConnell and Nancy Pelosi were upset that Trump's policy was detracting publicity away from their months of hard work on their Stimulus Package, but then they both did a line of cocaine and felt a lot better!

Nancy Pelosi gave a statement: “I usually hate the Republicans. They advocate for guns, benefits that help the wealthy, and come on, everyone knows red is never a flattering color, but this might have been Trump’s best idea ever. I mean I haven’t felt this amazing since I thought Trump was going to die from coronavirus.” 

With his remaining time in the White House, Trump is starting to pass through legislation on topics that are most important to him, such as substance use. To cut down the cost of Medicare, the Trump administration will also be sending the Stimulants Package to every nursing home in America