OP-ED: Now, It's My Turn to Laugh.
Photo (with edits) by Ian Ong / The Daily Pennsylvanian
February 15, 2021 at 2:47 am
Gotcha, sucker! After spending hours scrolling through content on underthebutton.com, you’ve finally fallen into my clutches.
I’m just gonna cut to the chase — it’s time for me to laugh at you, for a change.
Ha! Hah! Ha-ha-aha! Oh, what sport! What astounding, overflowing levity! Man, this is liberating. Grant me restraint, Euphrosyne! I beg of you.
How does it feel, dear reader? To be openly mocked in the comfort of your own dwelling? To have your preconceived notions so violently and callously tossed aside? Probably stings, doesn’t it. Aww, do you have an ouchie, little boo-boo baby? Teehee.
Lo! The floodgates of mirth hath opened, leaving the unfortunate one who continues to read drenched in a viscous, comic goo! Thus, the hilarity abounds! Figuratively, metaphorically, and physically speaking, of course.
Get this, buddy: I’m laughing at you right now. And no, I don’t mean “me” as in the hypothetical narrator of this article. I literally mean, me, the author, who is currently up, late at night, typing out each word, letter-by-letter, letting my idle thoughts fill the page like 12 pt. Times New Roman on a Google Doc. For I am the laugher, and you are the laughee. Devastating, I know.
Look — no one is forcing you to stay here. But I mean, it would be nice if you did. You’re the life of the party. Who knows what will happen to me once you leave this page? Where will I go? What does infinite nothingness feel like? I don’t like to think about it, man. I just want to laugh.
So, please, let me at least have this. It’s the only thing I have going for me. Well, except for my painstaking, widely-celebrated sense of humor, but that’s besides the point.