Testing Centers Provide Hot TAs to Stare at While You Salivate

“Ew.”, “Ugh.”, and “Fuck, I got drool on my Moncler” were only three of numerous complaints submitted to Penn admin regarding the marginally socially awkward amount of time it takes to fill up a tube with one’s own saliva. In a shocking turn of events, the University decided to take action in response to student concerns. As of February 14th (aka: the 3rd horniest day of the year, after Halloween and Father’s Day), Penn will institute a new streamlining feature at each of its eight testing centers: hot TAs to stare at while you salivate.

When asked to comment on the new policy, undergraduate students gave overwhelmingly positive feedback. “I produce so much saliva in Chem 102 recitation I hardly know what to do with it all,” said one student named Buddy, who, upon further inspection, might be some kid’s service dog. “Whenever my TA Albert plays the devil’s advocate in our ethics break out rooms, my mouth becomes wetter than that massive puddle that forms outside of Commons,” said Shwishshwosh Shmooshshmish (C’ 23), who told UTB her name after spotting her TA on Locust.

“It feels a little demeaning and objectifying, I’m not going to lie,” said one hot TA with a really nice ass. “I mean, I’m getting my PhD in 14th Century European Art History. I’m pretty sure I have better things to do with my time than to tell Liam, for the 25th time, that he’s not supposed to jizz in the test tube.”

When asked to comment on this new addition to their testing centers, the Chief Wellness Officer explained, “After working with these students for a while, you come to learn that they’re pretty much the grossest, horniest people you’ll ever meet. I think capitalizing on that fact would not only allow for much more efficient COVID testing, but also for preventing the spread of the virus in the first place. In fact, phase two of this plan is to provide free vibrators to everyone in the Quad so that kids stop sneaking into each other’s rooms to fuck all the time.”