CDC Reports B.1.1.7 Variant Transmitted Through The Great British Bake Off
The introduction of new strains of COVID-19 on campus has many students, understandably, concerned. While many point fingers at violators of the Campus Compact, a study conducted by the CDC has confirmed our worst fears, that the strain is transmitted through one of America’s most beloved British shows: The Great British Bake Off.
The CDC issued a statement that the new strain mostly affects bingers of the show and the liars that say: “I really only watch it with my friends.” They have also released a list of symptoms to keep an eye out for:
- The development of a British accent
- Craving beans and sausage in the morning
- Feeling compelled to bake crumpets under self-imposed time limits
- Paranoia that Noel Fielding is under your bed
- A preference for the British version of The Office
- Taking the Crown’s side in the Meghan Markle royal bullying scandal
- A widening gap between your front teeth
- Dropping BREXIT into normal conversation
- All of a sudden smelling like cigarettes
- Referring to the United States as “the one that got away”
- Use of British terms such as flat, queue and holiday (though this list is not exhaustive)
- Unable to physically drink anything besides tea
- A newfound pride for the British Commonwealth
- Being defensive of the Irish-British conflict
This new strain is bloody awful, mate. I need to take the Underground down to the nearest pub to forget about this proper piss mess.
