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CDC Reports B.1.1.7 Variant Transmitted Through The Great British Bake Off


The introduction of new strains of COVID-19 on campus has many students, understandably, concerned. While many point fingers at violators of the Campus Compact, a study conducted by the CDC has confirmed our worst fears, that the strain is transmitted through one of America’s most beloved British shows: The Great British Bake Off. 

The CDC issued a statement that the new strain mostly affects bingers of the show and the liars that say: “I really only watch it with my friends.” They have also released a list of symptoms to keep an eye out for: 

  • The development of a British accent
  • Craving beans and sausage in the morning
  • Feeling compelled to bake crumpets under self-imposed time limits
  • Paranoia that Noel Fielding is under your bed
  • A preference for the British version of The Office
  • Taking the Crown’s side in the Meghan Markle royal bullying scandal
  • A widening gap between your front teeth
  • Dropping BREXIT into normal conversation 
  • All of a sudden smelling like cigarettes 
  • Referring to the United States as “the one that got away”
  • Use of British terms such as flat, queue and holiday (though this list is not exhaustive)
  • Unable to physically drink anything besides tea 
  • A newfound pride for the British Commonwealth
  • Being defensive of the Irish-British conflict 

This new strain is bloody awful, mate. I need to take the Underground down to the nearest pub to forget about this proper piss mess. 

Oh, blimey. I need a COVID test.