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Advanced Registration, Finding a Subletter, and 4 Other Activities Guaranteed to Give You a Blood Clot


For all the anti-vaxxers, anti-waxxers, anti-inheritance-taxxer, and anti-sexual-climaxxers out there - do you commonly find yourself wishing that you too had equal access to life-threatening blood clots? Have you been feeling like J&J holds an unfair monopoly on medical thrombi, and are you ready to protest it like the cute little overly-idealistic socialist that you are?

Well, look no further - here is UTB’s list of 6 blood-clot-inducing activities that you can do right here on our very own campus!

  1. Turn On Your Camera - Nothing gets the blood pumping like a little soft seduction. Whisper sweet nothings into your camera’s ear, stroke its lens gently, maybe even stand in front of it and give a little striptease. Turning on your camera is also guaranteed to get you extra credit points with your professor ;)
  2. Take an Exam Without Looking at Your Notes - Get a taste of that sweet sweet pre-pandemic test anxiety (TM) by actually closing out of your notes during an exam. Nothing gets your heart beating quite like that “Fuckkkk-I-know-exactly-where-I-wrote-this-in-my-fucking-notes-if-only-I-could-just-quickly-check-them-for-just-one-quick-second” feeling. Additional benefits include actually absorbing class material for the first time since 2020.
  3. Finding a Summer Subletter - Living off-campus seemed like a great idea...before you realized that you’d rather eat worms off a middle-aged hairy man’s chest than living in this god-forsaken city for the summer. And now you have to convince someone to live in your stinky bedroom with your stinky roommates and to pay your overpriced rent. The urine-colored walls in Rodin don’t seem so bad now, do they?
  4. Trying to Find Garlic Powder at ACME - You know it’s not going to be there, but that primal garlic-y urge inside you convinces you to check anyways. Your heart races as your fingers graze a bottle of something vaguely beige, quickly followed by a rush of disappointment as you realize it’s just ground ginger. Fuck. Ginger.
  5. Explaining Advanced Registration to an Incoming Freshman - “What’s an alternate?” “How do I put my requests in order?” “Wait, what’s a mock schedule?” “Wait, why did I only get into 1 class?” “Wait, what’s PennInTouch?” “Wait, what is a ‘class’?” “Wait, what is life anyway?” “Wait, are you okay? Are you having a blood clot or something?”
  6. University Notification: An Update on Penn’s Plans for the ___ Semester - no explanation necessary.