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Help! My Professor Has Cancelled Me!


Photo by Photo4jenifer / CC BY-ND 2.0

Help! I’ve just been cancelled by one of my professors. I’m a good student and person, always getting my work in minutes before the due date and always abiding by any laws that I think I’d get in trouble for if I broke. I had (allegedly) one small moment of cultural insensitivity for the academic community, in which I claimed that “adjunct professors are not real professors” and “I’m not going to call you doctor unless you can cut me open” and “you’re basically a T.A. for a class with less guidance than a [REDACTED].” In my defense, I had just failed my second midterm in a row, and even more in my defense, they can’t prove I said anything of the kind, so come at me, “Professor” Swanson. I have a full P.R. team on retainer, and they’ve brought people back from a lot worse than making their “teachers” cry. 

While my fellow students are calling for my account to be blocked on Canvas and kicked out of the Class of 2024 GroupMe (with many students citing that, if I’m a senior, it’s inappropriate that I was ever in the freshman class GroupMe to begin with). That can’t hurt me. I never check Canvas at all, and I’ve been kicked out of the freshman GroupMe every single year since I myself was a freshman. I always find a way back in.

My gold-standard P.R. team has advised me that, because it can’t be proven that I said anything of the kind to “Professor” Swanson, I will be absolutely fine as long as I don’t try to publish any inflammatory OP-EDs in which I insult even more groups and accidentally imply a preexisting pattern of inappropriate behavior. This is such an easy, obvious suggestion that I will, of course, not be taking it. I have fired my entire team of trained professionals and will instead be rehabilitating my own image through a combination of near-constant tweeting and cyberbullying Swanson on Rate My Professors and Penn Course Review. Excelsior!