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BREAKING: I Didn't Ask For This Life


Listen. I'm sure there's news today. But not everything needs a huge detailed explanation. I don't care what's going on in the world. Use context clues to figure it out. Do your own research. I don't get paid to write here, and honestly, I'm getting sick of everyone always asking me to report on things that I don't care about.

I didn't even want to be a journalist, you know. I come from a long line of journalists - my father was a journalist, and his father was a journalist, and his father was a butcher (journalism was invented in 1923, and my great-grandfather was already a butcher by that point). But I never wanted this. I wanted to be a dancer. Every night before I went to bed, I would close my eyes and picture Fred Astaire and JLo dancing together. I swore to myself I would make it out of my small town and follow my dreams. I even saved enough money to go to dance school, but my kid brother told my parents I was applying, and they burned my applications before I could mail them out. So I went to Northwestern's School of Communications, and now I'm a journalist.

So yeah, there's news. A baby probably died, an election probably happened, maybe a celebrity starred in a new movie. But, honestly, I couldn't give a shit.