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Wharton Student Qualifies for Olympic Track and Field After Impressive Netflix Marathon


Photo by stockcatalog / CC BY 2.0

In the past several months, a handful of Penn alums have qualified for the Olympics. Wharton student, Anthony Quill '22, has recently qualified for Olympic track and field after an impressive Netflix marathon time of 4 days, 6 hours, 23 minutes, and 44 seconds.

"Most people get up to get snacks or drinks. That's mistake number one," explained Quill when asked about his marathon strategy. "When I'm gearing up for a marathon, I put the entire cupboard on the couch with me. Snack breaks are for sissies. In addition, I've got several bottles of water, a 12 pack of Pepsi, a couple of six-packs, and a bottle of vodka in arms reach, ready to go."

"Then, people get up to go to the bathroom. That's mistake number two," he continued. "Two words: chamber pots. People used them for years, and they still do the trick."

"Finally, the third thing people do is sleep. That's mistake number three," Quill continued, plowing ahead faster than the reporters could take down his words of wisdom. "Me personally? I drink a fuck ton of energy drinks, and somewhere around the third day or so, when I'm really dying, I watch horror movies exclusively to try to scare myself awake. If that's not working, I shoot myself with a couple of EpiPens just to keep my adrenaline up. That's how you compete like a champ. You may not understand this, but I am an athlete, so I put my mind, body, and soul on the line every time I compete. With my skill set and my dedication, I'm confident that I'm going to bring home the gold for the good old US of A."

Under the Button is confident that Quill will be unbeatable in the upcoming Olympics, partially due to his dedication to the sport, but mainly because Quill's intense but winning tactics seem too gross for sane persons to attempt when the silver medal is still on the table.