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OP-ED: Hey, You’re Pretty Hot - Do You Want to Share This Table in United by Blue Together?


Photo by Lua Beckman / The Daily Pennsylvanian 

 Hey, I’ll take an iced latte with oat milk, please. I’m good on food, thanks!  

Fuck, this place is always so crowded at this time. And it’s hard to concentrate anyways, what with wading through an iridescent pool of visual icons signifying material wealth. 

I hope there’s a table free - need to have some sense of solitude while I simultaneously work and sip on my thirteen (13) dollar coffee-adjacent drink. 

Ughhhhhhhh, this sucks :( no more free tables. Well, any suitable table neighbors? They should dress stylishly, can’t be seen next to a fashion Chernobyl situation. 

Wait, total hottie spotted 40 degrees right and the third table right. He’s so hot, omfg! Okay, target acquired. He looks like he has a foreign language minor and studies world literature. Though there is a degree of self-confidence only available to those with immense material means. Maybe he knows he’ll work for his father’s company eventually, descending into a Nietzschean power struggle to establish his masculine ego independent of his father’s subjective influence. Total Succession vibes, sexy.  

“Hey, do you mind if I sit here? Haha, thanks!”