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Five Middle Aged Men to Dress Up as for Halloween (Bald Cap Required)


Wikimedia Commons / CC0

Need some last minute costume ideas? I've got you covered. 

  1. Sexy Mr. Clean

In the kitchen he’s neat, in the sheets he’s a freak – sexy Mr. Clean is a fan favorite this upcoming Halloween. Costume-wise this outfit could not be easier – all you need is a white shirt (bra optional), white pants (I hope it’s not your time of the month), and a singular hoop earring you can “borrow” from your roommate only to discover it mysteriously vanished from your ear and on the sticky floor of some unknown fraternity. 

2. Lord Voldemort

I’m genuinely unsure if Voldemort counts as a middle-aged man, but this costume is simply unparalleled. The dark lord is all the rage this year, and for those of you gals with a botched nose job, you don’t even need to buy a costume! As for the rest of the outfit, all you need are a few common household items – a 1500 thread-count black satin robe, an exact replica of the elder wand made carved from genuine ivory, and maybe some white face paint of you’re really going for it. Avada Kedavra, motherfucker! 

3. Pitbull

Although dressing as Mr. Worldwide has become a little basic over the past few years, he’s a classic for a reason. A tuxedo is a must for this (preferably a white tux with some sort of obscure pastel button down underneath), and also a pair of some classic outdated black aviator sunglasses. Optional accessories include a full handle of tequila and an autotune microphone that you can scream “Mr. 305!” into repeatedly – everyone will love you.

4. Lin-Manuel Miranda

In all honesty, I absolutely fucking hate Hamilton. Consider this costume a piece of carefully curated satire creating a dialogue on the dichotomy between Hamilton and how much I fucking hate it. Consider this slander. Consider this my personal vendetta against his existence. Lin Manuel Miranda is the definition of camp. In the worst possible way. If you choose this costume from my list, you have a target out your back. Don't say I didn't warn you.

5. John Quincy Adams (Colorized, 2021)

Political science majors look out! I have the perfect costume for you. Who cares about John Quincy Adams' contributions to the Monroe doctrine as our sixth serving president when you get to wear a fucking bald cap? That’s what is important here. Not only that, but you also get to wear a historically accurate traditional colonial costume! Score!