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Local White Kid Confused After Not Being Given ‘Priority Access’ to Club Applications


It’s been a tough few years to be a white male. Women’s voices were actually heard over theirs thanks to the #MeToo movement. Last year the quasi-liberals discovered that the BLM movement existed. And just when you thought those pesky greenies had shut up about climate change, no! - those damn club applications!

When Freddy Blanc got into Penn, he had high hopes. “I was so ready to be Class President, International Fresh Rep, and in Varsity Football just to start off easy. That’s how it was at my boarding school, anyway.” 

Freddy comes from a long line of Penn alums, and just as each successive generation found a new way to leach money through increasingly extreme tax breaks (silly socialists haha), every twenty years or so one could expect to see a greater-sized building popping up declaring the Blanc name. First it was a study room, then one of the thirty sections of the Quad, then all of the thirty sections of Quad somehow, then a library, and then best of all: the tampons. Because what better way to celebrate the white Blanc family than to spread its patriarch’s name all across something women should have autonomy over.

But back to the matter at hand - poor Freddy didn’t get into anything! He even pulled out his credit card instinctively just as daddy taught him, but to no avail! He’s now looking to the only thing actually taking people - theatre groups - where he plans on a ‘Troy Bolton’ (?) path to fame. 

Don’t worry though - he’ll just make a TikTok about the whole situation. Let the cancelling begin!