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Oh Shit: Other People Can See These?


Photo (with edits) by Ian Ong / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Holy moly, holy crap! Other people can see these?

Like, you guys can see this stuff, like what I’m writing right now? Hm? My articles have been publicly viewable this whole time? Oh… that explains a lot.

You mean to tell me that this little text box I’ve blissfully been filling up with all of my latent anxieties, private angst, and general cynicism into the wee hours of the morning is actually being broadcast, every week of every month, to the entire damn world? Rats! Why didn’t anyone tell me sooner? I know I didn’t sign up for this! 

Oh gosh… I feel my limbs starting to get shaky… can you guys, like, look away for a bit? Maybe hit the back button? Power button? Or just close your eyes for a couple minutes? Good grief, I think I’m gonna hurl.

Guys, I’m begging you. Please stop perceiving me. You know that imaginary conception you’ve formed of who I am over the course of reading this article? That little version of me in your head? That insufferable, arrogant, pretentious, tasteless prick? Please, do me a solid and just try to forget about him.

Sweet sassafras, is that… is that a hidden camera in my room? Jesus Christ, it’s like the goddamn Truman Show! How much more could you, a universal audience with no personal connection to my life or investment in my general welfare, possibly want from me? O, what they say is true! L'enfer, c'est les autres!

Can’t a guy just write down his thoughts without considering the hermeneutical implications of setting forth an abstract notion of himself that exists in the public eye yet, over time, inevitably strays further and further away from any true or meaningful understanding he has of himself? I mean, JESUS!