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OP-ED: Thanksgiving Is for Family, Which Is Why It’s the One Day They’re Allowed Out of the Basement


Thanksgiving evokes great nostalgia in the social and cultural consciousness of the American public. As such, the holiday has come to represent an occasion for cherishing family and friends, gorging on basted turkey and pumpkin pie, playing football in the yard and board games by the fire, and conversing heartily with loved ones about "Is God dead?" and "Grandpa, why did you kill Him in Iraq?"

For me, Thanksgiving holds great significance as it's the one day a year I allow my family out of the basement. Oh, how I love the holiday season!

Unfortunately, last Thanksgiving, my little sister Susie (three years old) tried to bite through the duct tape on her mouth, so I put her back in her cage early. Such a shame when your family's unable to be all together for the holidays!

And let's not forget about the food. During the year, I feed Mom, Dad, Susie, Aunt Margaret, cousins Bobby, Johnny and Lily, and Grandpa Marty through IV bags, but on Thanksgiving, I allow them to eat with their mouths!

Unlike my ungrateful parents ("Oh Jimmy, please don't shove a hot pipe up your father's rectum," and "Son, you are so grounded when we figure out how to unlock these cages"), I try not to complain, even though for the past three years, I've done all the cooking on Thanksgiving. Parents are the worst!

Culinary responsibility is stressful as I'm ten and do not know how to use the oven or stove. To remedy this obstacle, I microwave Stouffer's macaroni and cheese and mashed potatoes from packets for my guests. This menu has the added benefit of not requiring forks or knives! 

This year, I decorated the house with cornucopias, taxidermy turkeys, and daily newspapers on the walls showing them that no one is reporting on their disappearance - no one knows they're missing. I'm so excited to show them all the activities I've planned for them, like decorating pilgrim cookies, pinning the feathers on the quickly-dying headless turkeys I've let loose in the house, cleaning their cages in the basement, and begging for their lives. What a jolly good Thanksgiving!

If Thanksgiving proves a success, then perhaps I'll consider granting their request to crack the window in the basement on Christmas for fresh air -- if also so as not to end up on Santa's naughty list. Have a happy holiday season from my family to yours!