We’re Done: UTB is Now a Site for Basic Gardening Tips
Photo (with edits) by ProFlowers / CC BY 2.0
January 19, 2022 at 3:00 am
Screw you guys! In a response to declining viewership and ad revenue, last Tuesday the UTB board voted to scrap our satirical aspirations and instead focus on something facile and popular and that requires no goddamn effort at all: basic gardening tips. Oh yeah, you like that? Wanna click on our content now? I thought so, you accursed ankle-biters.
1) Use nutrient rich soil
Yeah, so if you’re looking to plant some begonias or something, make sure to use nutrient rich soil, you ignoramuses. Plants, in fact, need nutrients to grow up big and strong. Christ, I know you suckers are just eating this right up.
2) Try some mulch
If you haven’t killed your entire garden by this point, maybe try some mulch. It’s essential for your plants to thrive, so go pick some up. What, do I have to spell this out for you or something? Ever heard of a Home Depot? No? Dear God. Try picking up a damn book for once.
3) Don't overwater your plants
Only a blithering fool with no appreciation for the high art that is online college satire would overwater their plants. Um… root decay? Loss of vigor? Hello? More water does not equal a bigger plant, you lummox.
4) Prune your plants regularly
You know what? This is all because of you, damn it. It’s because of people like you who don’t think about anything else in your blissful lives except for the proper time to cultivate azaleas. People like you who are too afraid to laugh at the concept of Wharton students doing morally questionable things or ketamine usage. True artistic expression has been eclipsed by the insatiable masses, and alas! The masses have chosen none other than the fundamentals of gardening as their next putrid, disgusting meal. O, the tragedy of the modern-day auteur!
5) Reuse fallen leaves as compost
Gardening tips… it’s all… basic gardening tips, all the way down... damn it. God damn it!
6) Make sure your garden gets lots of sunlight
Look — I don’t care anymore. I don’t even care. This blood is on your hands, not mine. You win. Drink from my proverbial font, and be nourished. But, be quick! Lest you catch a glimpse of your own twisted countenance, eyes full of hate and avarice, staring back at you from the literary waters. You've earned these basic gardening tips, my friend. You've earned them.