Punxsutawney Phil Predicts 6 More Weeks of Bitter Suffering

Exciting news from an otherwise unremarkable town in the middle of a fairly boring state! 

As he does every year, the groundhog known as Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his little hole this morning while being observed by the handful of people who care about his predictions. Traditionally, if Phil emerges and sees his shadow, he returns to his hole and that means we can expect 6 more weeks of winter. This year, though, things were different.

When Phil emerged from his hole, instead of returning underground or scurrying away as usual, the groundhog instead stood up on his back legs and spoke directly into the cameras. 

“You pitiful fools with your false gods and material deities! Have you sunk so low, you turn to a groundhog for answers on the seasons? I can tell you nothing of future weather patterns, but hear this: the time of judgment is nearing. You think you struggle now? You think your petty misery can compare to the agonies of the gods? The next six weeks will unleash the most hellish suffering imaginable upon this damned nation. Beware!”

Phil’s forecast was met with more excitement than usual, as he has never been filmed communicating in English. The mayor of Punxsutawney was particularly enthusiastic about Phil’s prediction: “This will be great for our town! The tourism that Phil brings in is already our most lucrative source of revenue, and now that he can speak, I can only begin to imagine how many people will come to see him. And who knows, maybe this impending doom that he was talking about will start right here in Punxsutawney!”

Not everyone was happy, however. Some animal activists who have long opposed the exploitation of Phil were outraged by the reaction to his public remarks. “It is unfathomable that someone would endow Punxsutawney Phil with consciousness and the ability to understand suffering and his own mortality. This is animal abuse to the highest degree,” read a statement from PETA.

After his prediction, Phil the groundhog climbed a nearby hill instead of returning to his den. He was heard muttering about the folly of man, and later seen staring blankly into the sunrise.