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Penn InTouch Replacement to Include Professor Sexiness Scale


Photo from Pexels

Giddy me!

Following the raging success of Ginsburg and Derecskey’s social treatise “If Professor Old, Then Why Sexy”, Penn has done something absolutely no one expected: listened. 

Yes, you heard me correctly you horny little fuckers, Penn InTouch’s replacement Penn-Inside-Touching-Me is introducing a professor-sexiness scale for all you naughty devils. 

Expected to be among the most used filters are the keywords “DILFy”, “MILFy” and “GILFy” (?). However, I believe the most exciting to be “Looks Socratic but Will Really Suck-Me-To-The-Attic”. For the legal scholars in the webspace out there, how about “Gavel Me to Gravel”?

A few members of the Penn community have voiced their concerns about the new system. Vice Provost Interim Senior Financial and Legal Humanities Assistant President Wendell Pritchett thinks it will bring about unhealthy beauty standards. “I see it everyday,” the balding dad-bod said. “Professors are afflicted by enough as it is, why should they have to now suffer the oppressive glare of the libidinous youth? I personally prefer to gain attention through my fine and ethical academic career, and hence why I chose to leave my post in the legal school for a post re-educating and re-moving the fine people of Western Philadelphia. Huzzah!”

Student James Simpleton articulated a profound, alternative opinion: “Why do I wanna rate my profs? Cos all the gender studies bitches got huge racks haha.”

Regardless of your perspective of the swelling scene, we hope that you can continue to look to Under The Button for unbiased opinions on all matters sexy (Robert Ghrist’s soft velvety dulcet sultry voluptuous notes can slip in and around my ears any time).