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UTB Investigates: How Does Dry Cleaning Work?


Screenshot by Maya Kreger

As I walked past Saia’s Dry Cleaners on my daily morning excursion to the Copabanana (if you have the means, I highly recommend), a horrible thought entered my feeble girl mind, how do dry cleaners clean clothes sans water?????????? I know I’m terribly naive, but doesn’t cleaning need water? What exactly goes on behind those paper thin walls?

It’s been several days since this thought has entered my mind. Since then, I haven’t slept, washed, nor eaten. I’ve dropped several of my classes; I’m down to one– Math 1700 (difficulty, yes)-- and I might have to drop that one too. This paranoia has caused me to lose dear friendships. My family has ceased communication. But ever since I figured out The Answer, all of these worldly matters have lost all meaning. 

Throughout these hectic hours and minutes of wondering and overthinking, I’ve done extensive research on the manner in which our clothes are cleaned without the use of the precious natural resource known colloquially as water. On my preferred search engine, Yelp.com, I searched society’s most unasked question, how does dry cleaning work? As I clicked on the first result that popped up in record time and definitely read the whole thing, I reached enlightenment. Suddenly, everything made sense and nothing mattered. Time simply stood still. Dry cleaning, earth’s greatest pleasure, became the only thing that ever made sense and ever will make sense. Eureka!

The next time you do laundry, think about your actions. You, a simple minded pedestrian, are taking money out of the hands of small business owners and hoarding precious precious water from the needy. For shame! Most people say to do what you love. So, from now on, I vouch to only get my clothes dry cleaned. It just makes sense.