OP-ED: Give Me a Wet, Sloppy European Kiss on the Cheek

I’ve been rather je ne sais pas as of late. Each morning, I find it hard to get out of my twin XL bed. I take the Rodin elevator at peak times just to feel something. One could say I’m in a rut. It’s rather hard to lead the life of a beautiful girl, let alone a Penn student. I go from class to class in a state of general disarray, feeling my sweet sweet life slip past me… 

Recently, I’ve realized it doesn’t have to be this way. I can — nay, I will — live my life to the fullest. But, I need one teeny tiny favor from you. Would you mind helping an old friend out? I would greatly appreciate it. 

I’m sort of embarrassed to ask, but could you give me a wet, sloppy European kiss on the cheek? Go ahead, just do it. Don’t get distracted by my nautical stripe sweater nor by my rose gold iPad. Witness my presence and notice where I’m pointing — my naturally rosy cheek. Get it over with, wet and sloppy, just like I asked. Thanks. I already feel much better.