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Intersectionality Win! CAS Boy Dates Wharton Boy

Photos (With Edits) By Kelly Heinzerling / The Daily Pennsylvanian

A step above acquiring gay rights is gaining the ability to date outside of your assigned school. There’s just so little to talk about, ya know? If I, a political sciences major, start spewing things such as “Mearsheimer’s defensive vs offensive realism”, and he –a Wharton indictee– does not understand, am I simply to walk out of the beautiful date we are having at Houston hall? 

We met at Pret (and you know I’m a good little CAS slut because that rhymes) on a beautiful autumn day. I had picked up my used copy of the communist manifesto and stiglitz readings from the gorgeous bookstore behind Gregory College House, and proceeded to order; black coffee in one hand, a cigarette in the other, I proceeded to ponder the beautiful questions posed in my creative writing class. 

That precise moment, he walked into this fine cafe nestled into the corner of the overfunded yet ugly Huntsman building; he was wearing his business suit (naturally), and walking out of this “class” named “corporate finance”? According to him, it's a class in which individuals “spread sheets” and “get in touch” with businesses? I replied, seductively, “can I be the corporate?” and he laughed. I then asked him why we couldn’t just print more money –a solution pondered by my forefathers– to which he sighed and proceeded to buy me a gorgeous cookie and a salad, telling me “don’t worry about it, beloved”. 

Before things started getting rather serious, he had to meet with a certain “JP Morgan” and talk to representatives of the “Goldman Sax”? Idk. I hunted the gold sax or whatever in the instrument room of Platt House (my holy place of worship) but couldn’t find him? Didn’t find anything about the peculiar JP Morgan on instagram either…

Regardless, I overlook his strange obsession with business figures and he overlooks my analogical speech. Could I make it any more obvious? We are the posterboys of diversity at Penn <3