Such Beautiful Weather: I Can Finally Gallop Shirtless Through the Quad Again Like the Stallion I Am
Photo (with edits) by Rawpixel // CC0
March 20, 2023 at 12:59 am
Step into your imagination. Take a journey with me. You’re eating your chicken-and-rice bowl outside of McClelland. It’s delicious. The exotic blend of sauces are reminiscent of the majesty of the Silk Road, so much so that your mind is transported there. You see spice traders filtering in and out of the bazaar. Wait, there’s Marco Polo! Oh, and there’s a horde of Mongols under the command of the ferocious Ghengis Khan!
But don’t think about that. Focus on what’s important. What’s that noise? Is that…hooves? And they’re getting closer and closer? You look around frantically for the source, but all you see is a violent explosion on the horizon. The second atomic bomb has been dropped on Hiroshima (think that was about the same time). In the blinding light, you make out a shadowy figure. Your fear transforms into a starstruck awe. The world grows hazy. Is that…A cow? A buffalo? A Barbary stag? What is this four-legged figure of handsomeness approaching you?
Return to reality, my child. Gaze at the sight before you. It is I, the stallion of all stallions. Look at my luscious mane. Go ahead, you can pet it. I don’t bite *wink*. You’re looking at a Sicilian purebred, the finest creature ever to have roamed the fields of Southern Europe. Sure, on the surface I might look like a shirtless 190-pound man, but gaze into my eyes. Smell the manure in my breath. You can sense that inside of me is a 930-pound mammal, the finest steed on God’s green earth.
You try to speak. I silence you with a forceful yet caring neigh. You gaze into my eyes, stunned at my display of horsey power. I lean in and whisper into your ear the wise words of 90’s R&B icon Ginuwine: Ride this pony.
You mount my saddle, and just as quickly, we are bounding away, galloping over the luscious greenery of the Quad. How could we not in the midst of such beautiful weather? As we ride, we see everything there is to see: time-worn trees, a soothing blue sky, the Butcher laundry thief moving out of her dorm. For the very first time, we are tasting life.
Suddenly, we’re no longer galloping. We’re floating, transcending this prison of a reality. Our minds escape their earthly cages. We finally understand the hidden truths of existence. We understand that Sigma Nu is the best fraternity on this campus. We understand Hill was always the best dining hall and that the rat shit was necessary for the award-winning flavor. We understand that Cooper was right the whole time…about everything.
Open your minds. Become enlightened. Embrace the stallion.