BREAKING: Armed With Nuclear Warheads, Rival Sororities Compete for Fall Bake Sale ARCH Patio Space
October 2, 2023 at 1:21 pm
In their next maneuver, The sisters of Kappa Alpha Theta (“Theta”) plan to divert sales at the Delta Delta Delta 2023 Fall Foliage Fundraising Bake Sale by detonating 50 tons of nuclear explosives under the patio outside ARCH. “This was a make-or-break week for Thetans the world over, and the complete destruction of both Congressional chambers alongside the death of several sitting progressives is just going to make passing Delta Delta Delta’s agenda even harder,” said an anatomically gay (not queer), politically-savvy-in-a-corporate-functionary-way ‘27 Fiji rush, describing Theta’s plan to plant and detonate 100,000 pounds of nuclear explosives under the ARCH Patio as both a “cunning political move” and a major blow to panhellenic relations.
Almost three years since the ratification of the Treaty on the Prohibition of Nuclear Weapons, the first legally binding international agreement to comprehensively prohibit nuclear weapons with the ultimate goal being their total elimination, the sisters of Theta Alpha Kappa and Delta Delta Delta continue their grueling stalemate. Locust Walk their DMZ, no sister dare cross the brick border, tantamount to death.
Fighting for maximum market penetration, both groups have partnered with Raytheon to bolster their marketing campaigns. Embracing blue sky thinking, the groups have ceased production of instagram infographics that turn fundraising into a public shaming Create Mode “bingo” game. In the words of the current ΔΔΔ president:
“Nothing screams ΔΔΔ 2023 Fall Foliage Bake Sale like a W88 for UGM-133 Trident II SLBM nuclear warhead! Repost the infographic or we’ll have to consider sanctions, which means you won’t be eligible to attend our next date night. Wait, how’d you know I’m from Rye? Random! Yeah, no, I mean it’s not like New Rochelle or White Plains, it’s a deep cut. Connecticut and New York both claimed the area, but in these early days, the colonists considered themselves to be under the protection of Connecticut. Connecticut formally ceded Rye (town) to New York in 1683 as part of a boundary agreement, cementing the Connecticut Panhandle.”
UTB staff asked the KAθ President (girl pronouns) for comment via email, though no one managed to get back. However, within the recesses of the official Theta linktree, UTB Staff managed to uncover a cryptic poem littered with hyperlinks, redirecting the user to a deep web site listing bulk-quantity prices of boutique radioactive isotopes. Upon tracing the IP address, UTB staff tracked the site down to a dilapidated warehouse near the foothills of Mt. Paektu (North Korean side, not Chinese). The proverb reads:
|님아 님아 우리 님아
이제 가면 언제 올래
동솥에 삶은 밤이 꼭꼬 울면 다시 올래
고목나무 새싹 돋아
꽃이 피면 다시 올래