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Mark’s Cafe to Relocate From Van Pelt Basement to Chicago’s O-Block to Reduce Chances of Being Robbed


cc// Sukhmani Kaur; Wikimedia Commons

Welp. You motherfuckers have done it now. After three thousand years of rich history, an organization more influential than the Greek, Roman, German, Persian, and Mongolian empires combined, not to mention every Chinese Dynasty, the Soviet Union, the human race, and Laufey, has been purged from our campus. Mark’s Cafe is leaving the Van Pelt basement and moving to the greener pastures of O-Block, Chicago.

What could have caused this? Hmm. Maybe it’s the fact that you stole so many frozen chicken pot pies that they keep a portrait of you in every Perdue factory farm? Or maybe it's that you’ve drank enough “free” Celsius that the US is switching to the metric system just for your bitch-made ass? In Afghanistan, every theft is punishable by death. That means that to account for your crimes, the Taliban would have to execute you 7,457 times. That’s not even possible, asshole. There aren’t enough demons in Hell to provide you with the unfathomable torture you deserve, but trust me – that doesn’t stop a man from dreaming.

Personally, I’m happy that Mark has the opportunity to give his cafe a safer, more fulfilling life on O-Block. Say what you want about Lil Durk, but while he and Pooh Shiesty may “get it back in blood,” they do not “get their cherry Poptarts and other assorted snacks through shoplifting.” The best part is that the increase in paying customers between Penn and O-Block fully offsets the new costs of glass cleanup and dead body removal after the weekly drive-by shootings, giving Mark a little extra money to spend on himself for once. Congrats!

Mark has even started to show some local spirit. Yesterday, he tweeted: Greetings everybody! Fuckers in school are telling me, always in the barbershop. Mark’s Cafe is not about this, Mark’s Cafe is not about that. My boy is a BD on fucking Lamron and them. They say that Mark’s Cafe is not putting in any work. All of you motherfuckers are talking about “Mark is not a hitter. Mark is not this. Mark is a fake.” SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU ALL DO NOT KNOW SHIT. You know that Mark was caught with a ratchet, shooting at the police and shit.

Hope you all appreciated that little tidbit! 50% on all frozen White Castle burgers this week… as long as you’re not from 63rd! LOL (If you are I will paint the streets red with your intestines).