I Feel The Rush: Penn Barbell Club Replaces Ammonia Sniffing Salts with Poppers

There are many reasons for one to begin their fitness journey. I, for one, started because I wanted to join my high school’s basketball team despite being 5,3. Guess what, it worked! But enough about me. The elephant in the room is the Penn Barbell Club — ranked the second most exclusive club at Penn after UTB. I’d like to know each of their individual reasons behind starting in the gym: Fame? Fortune? Forinication? Perhaps there was nothing to do but that.

I must say that as a minimalist powerlifter, I do not understand the hype behind wearing a hoodie that you plan on taking off after your first set. Nor do I understand the affinity towards carrying a sports bag filled with accessories. Oh but the most erudite item of all is in that bag, the sniffing salts. One hit will carry your PR — or so it seems. I’ve personally never tried these sniffing salts that lifters rave about, so I approached the most jacked member of the club and asked them about it. The effect was literally that of poppers. But weaker. Of course I know this not because I’ve tried those but because I’ve just heard of it. Yeah.

Skipping forward towards my next interaction with this real and non-hypothetical person whom I have certainly had conversations with before… The tiniest bottle of poppers made its  way to Pottruck somehow, and was inside the locker that they had intended to put their bag in. Isn’t that SO crazy? It was a regular day of me scouting the weight room out —pacing around manically— for an open squat rack. I found them with at least three bottles lying next to their chalk bucket.

A twist, a sniff, and a flush of red. Their body could be seen experiencing a sensation never experienced before. Their breathing quickened and muscles visibly pumped, and they absolutely demolished their PR. And perhaps their lower back. They deftly passed the bottle to me, and asked if I needed the rack. And that was when I knew.

They felt the rush.