My Uncle Tried to Make My Spring Break About Him by Announcing His (Benign) Brain Tumor

Fresh off the tropics of spring break, I was riding the high of my lasting spray tan. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and I had just witnessed the heroism of frat boys saving the Casamigos from a burning Costa Rican villa. But as soon as I stepped through my home front door, my moment was ruined.

Instead of the entourage and welcome back poster I was expecting, my uncle greeted me with the contrary: “I have a brain tumor.” 

“Luckily it’s benign,” he explains. “It’s only an issue if there’s surgical complications where I’d lose hearing in one ear.” Talk about a fun sponge. 

Yeah, I obviously feel bad, but seriously Uncle Chris…timing much? It’s literally my spring break and I just got back from using one-ply toilet paper and a boat where I couldn’t even keep my shoes on.  I didn’t know we were using selective empathy now. To make matters worse, my friend left her Prada tote on the sand, and the rising tide soaked my film camera nestled inside. Want to talk about hardships? We didn’t even have a chef.

I’m trying to keep things in perspective and know he’s just jealous because he was in Turks two weeks ago and wasn’t even invited to a white party. But why does it always have to be about him? He’s the only Jew in the world named Chris– he’s literally been an attention whore since the day he left the womb.