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A wise man once said “If you give a man a fish one day, you give him one fish for that day, but if you teach a man how to be a fish, then he can be your fish for a lifetime”. This is exactly why I pay Lyn for my bacon egg and cheese by giving her one bite of my bacon egg and cheese.
New College House resident, Andrew Young, was woken abruptly Thursday morning by what he thought were his own farts. He quickly made his way to the bathroom, hoping to avoid losing another mattress to the will of his bowels. Young sat atop his toilet, and pushed with all of his might, anger, and financial stress from buying 3 new mattresses in August alone, but nothing came out. “Peculiar”, Andrew said to himself with a British accent. As he pulled his trousers back up, and clipped his suspenders into place, he noticed something sticky and stinky beneath his right foot. Andrew looked down to find nothing else but another man’s poop enveloping his big toe. “My favorite toe!” Andrew shouted.
“When I decided to throw down tonight, it was less so because I felt like getting glizzy, and more so to stick a fat one to the establishment. You believe this narrative that a virus from a chinese bat came all the way to America and shut down our economy for a year!? Everyone knows bats can’t fly that far.”
Listen, I’m not anti old people - I need to make that clear right off the bat. I just think that before we have a conversation about the negative effects of COVID-19, we should just quickly talk about the negative effects of the elderly. It really is nothing personal, I love ¾ of my grandparents dearly, I just think that right now, given our current circumstances with everything, they just may not be the best fit...for the world. And yeah I get it, life, regardless of whose it is, has intrinsic value...yada yada yada. But guys, come on. Let’s drop the act -- old people gotta go. Where’s my silent majority at on this one.
Joining a sorority was one of the best things I could’ve done freshman spring. Finding a group of strong, supportive and independent women, whom I am now so lucky to call my sisters, was exactly what I needed when I came to Penn.