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Marc Rowan Lifts Baby Bird From Ground in His Hand, Crushes It

(01/29/24 8:31pm)

Famously lauded Freedom, Liberation and Jewry Champion Marc Rowan is on a new mission after eliminating Liz Magill the Wicked Hegemon of Bigotry and Evilness. Now, at a unique moment of learning for UPenn, Rowan has stepped in to guide the university to a new beautiful truth. Away with any vestiges of the ancient regime like DEI, wussiness, or the Gender Studies department! Now for fresh, bold ventures such as the creation of the Apollo Global Management Department where students can develop important business skills in destroying mean old ladies who love Palestine.

Stupid Bitch: '82 Alumna Recollects Boring Memories of Her Youth At the Peak of Our Biopond Synesthesia

(11/13/23 7:45pm)

How to navigate one’s headspace? We ask this question because we seriously don’t know why this lady did what she did. If we were to describe this lady we would say: petite wasian queen. This matters because her mannerisms and tonality pertained to her identity and we love wasian people. What is the motif behind an elderly woman with a kind voice approaching us as we merge with the biopond? What is the motif of us telling her to go away? We attempted this endeavor to no avail because she took a picture across the pond that revealed our state of mind, intriguing because we never got her state of mind in turn; what becomes of us now that we know that she knows us better than we do her? In our time with her, she told us the last time she was at Penn was 1982. Wow! We said. And then silence.