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Yeah yeah, if you could do that that would be awesome. Thanks Beth.
Hey you. Yes, I’m talking to you. You see me around campus, traversing the passages from Stouffer Mayer College House to Van Pelt Library Weigle Information Center (or if I get kicked out of the booth I would say a bad word really quietly and relocate to the 4th floor Marian Anderson Music Study Center), and to Fishy-Benny (Fisher-Bennett Hall), and to the patio outside of the Alpha Chi Rho chapter house (where I regained my virginity), and back to my little room in Stouffer Mayer College House. You have seen me. Your eyes may have lingered on my face for a couple of seconds. You might even have waved and said hi to me. Whoever you are, we are parasocially involved with each other. Our connectivity is the pure manifestation of the new paradigm since the Great Vibe Shift of June 2021.
There's no print edition. Read the headline and exit this webpage. Go home. I love you
There's no print edition. Read the headline and exit this webpage. Bye.
Betrayal is a common theme in our post-truth society. I’ve known betrayal. I’ve known it since a very young age. It doesn’t break my heart anymore when people betray me: I have long since stopped letting anyone in on me, my earnestness and sincerity. So, when I found out my white boyfriend of three years, Andy, cheated on me, I spent no time wallowing. I dropped him without a thought and went on with my life. That is – until I discovered that the girl he cheated on me with is one who uses the phrase “begs the question” erroneously.
When I yank out my Rose Gold Apple MacBook Air (Retina, 13”, Early 2020), you will know: I did not come to Moelis Family Grand Reading Room on the first floor of the Charles Patterson Van Pelt Library to fuck around. I mean business. I am dead ass. I am on God.
As of today, Tuesday March 15th, the student body received an email from “Interim President Wendell Pritchett.” In the email, it was announced that Penn will drop its indoor mask mandate for all non-classroom indoor spaces, effective immediately. This means students will no longer be required to wear masks in libraries, residential halls, dining halls, etc.
There, reader. I have run out of the last of my fucks to give. I can now declare with conviction one last time: I don’t give a shit.
In a shocking turn of events, Jack Kereckes (C’23) went into this evening with the intention of completing his biology coursework yet came out completely catatonic with an alarming amount of cannabis in his system.
Huge! You listlessly opened Facebook in your browser during class and voila, you have been invited to an event. A guy you psychosexually entangled with two semesters ago has invited you to his frat’s downtown. This is ginormous for you. You feel coveted. You are relevant. Your presence is requested. You shall be seen.
As of a moment during the day, girl, who is enrolled as a full-time undergraduate student at the University of Pennsylvania, is feeling an emotion at a particular juncture between 33rd and 40th streets and within Market and Baltimore streets.
According to recent research published by Wolf Humanities Center at the University of Pennsylvania, professor is cool because he says the word “fuck” at a high frequency in class.
Needy alert! Jessica Grant (C’24) was just spotted walking on Locust Walk this afternoon in an act of true desperation.
Seriously. Not a satire piece, an honest question. How do I stop receiving emails coming from the “First Censor” of the Philomathean Society?
You’ve been there. I’ve been there. We’ve all been there. You were just doing your usual 2 A.M. round on your crush’s Instagram page and going through the same three photo dumps from this summer when suddenly, you caught a comment from an unfamiliar account that you somehow missed during your daily check-ups on his page.
In a gorgeous act of true independence and autonomy, this college senior has just acquired a boyfriend for the sole purpose of receiving assistance in connecting her laptop to AirPennNet.
Nawr! During Macroeconomic lecture this morning, you noticed a truly unfortunate event!
Delilah Khrushchev (C’21) was my pledgemaster when I pledged my sorority last spring. She pledged me and mastered me during our new member education. Needless to say, I was proper pledged and mastered. I participated in events and activities with my pledge class in which we learned the history and traditions of our sorority and got to know the sisters. During the 12-week intensive process, we did activities such as coloring picture books in candlelight, camping retreat, and even brunches. I felt a sisterly bond I’ve never felt before anywhere else. By the time I was initiated (the initiation was just a lovely, lovely time), I felt so welcomed into the sorority – it felt as if I have always been part of this. I have no one to thank but Delilah. As our pledgemaster, she put together all the events and managed all of us in such a beautiful way. This is why I am going to endorse her for management in LinkedIn. Delilah, you deserve it!