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Freshman Dropped During Rush Calls Cops on Every Frat Party

(02/06/18 5:38am)

Tommy Whitman (W ‘21) was always a people person. He had the amazing ability to remember people's names after only a single interaction. While it made girls he was pursuing uncomfortable at frat parties, he was never stumped by “Who do you know” because Whitman knew everyone. Naturally, he decided to rush, and expand his ever-growing network of the classic, “How does he know my name? I only met him once,” acquaintances.


Sophomore Attends Sunday Mass the Morning After Mass Orgy

(02/04/18 3:40am)

Harrison Gordon (C ‘20) was used to wild nights. He would regularly engage in drunken rowdy behavior, defacing school property at least twice a week. He was a big fan of substances and experimented with anything that could alter his body, except for his private parts. Gordon was always hesitant of sexual exploration, possibly because of his fear of his inability to perform. Or maybe he just hadn’t found the right person to let loose around. 



Local Student Sublets Mom's House

(01/30/18 10:30pm)

Charlie Sullivan (W '19) was always a momma’s boy. He would do the dishes without being asked, made beautiful Mother’s Day cards accompanied with fancy bouquets, and always complimented her handmade pasta sauce art (even though it was disgusting). He was the best son a mother could ask for, and his mom knew it. She always kept the way Charlie treated her in her mind, and hoped that one day she would be able to return the favor.




Student Planning On Spending Winter Break Reading Ahead For Next Semester Finishes Fourth Page Of Introduction

(01/15/18 4:39pm)

Katherine Russell (C ‘21) had a rough first semester. After overloading on credits, going on way too many date nights, and getting hooked on opiates, Russell bombed her finals and ended her first semester of college with a less than ideal GPA. She was disappointed, but knew she could’ve done better.



Student Kicked Out Of College Republicans End-of-Semester BYO for Saying "Happy Holidays"

(12/10/17 4:15pm)

Josh Evans (C ‘19) was more than excited to have been invited to Penn College Republicans’ annual winter BYO. He had been trying to join the ranks of the Republicans for years, and he knew that this was his time to shine. Dressed in a “Make Christmas Great Again” sweater under a Canada Goose jacket, Josh was determined to make an impression.



Family Exhausts Legacy Quota, Youngest Son Forced to Work Hard

(11/30/17 4:02pm)

Penn alumni Paul (C ‘84) and Shannon Fredericks (C’ 84) had a relationship that seemed like a fairy tale. They met freshman year in a writing seminar at Penn and fell in love the moment the second time they laid eyes on each other (the first time was when Paul spotted Shannon throwing up after a frat party). They got married after law school graduation and settled in a suburb of Philadelphia to establish a family. Paul and Shannon had four beautiful sons, and each one of them wanted to one day follow Mom and Dad and study at the University of Pennsylvania.


Student Conserving Meal Swipes Realizes She Can Now Swipe 9 Times a Day

(11/27/17 6:13am)

Freshman Karen Porter (C ‘21) was one to listen to the masses. After researching the best Penn dining plan from the incredibly varied selection of three, she decided to take advice from others who have been through the process. Karen listened to all the upperclassmen telling her to get the plan with the least swipes, because “you are going to have swipes left over” and “there’s no way you’ll use up all your swipes.” Still, she was wary and wanted to make sure she wouldn’t go hungry.





​Freshman Promised Either Vibrant Social Life or Stellar Grades Has Neither

(11/04/17 4:21pm)

To newcomers, Penn seems like a lively community with so much to offer. However, beyond the cheery pamphlets and welcoming smiles of tour guides, Penn harbors a complex web of decisions that all students struggle to navigate. With students juggling so many different activities, it’s almost impossible to have it all. In fact, it’s very possible to have none of it.








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