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(05/17/20 4:00am)
This just in, Missouri, a state known primarily for the St. Louis Arch and its high rate of crystal meth busts, has sued China, one of the world’s most powerful countries, for general disruption due to COVID-19. Missouri resident, William James, claims, “The whole world is suffering from this here coronavirus and it’s all China’s fault! It’s only right that they should pay. Ain’t no nobody, state, or country gonna take away my freedom. This is America, damn it! I say sue ‘em!”
(05/15/20 4:58am)
As the public deems this summer “closed,” students are concerned that school might remain online in the fall. Penn, like many other universities, has yet to announce its four-months-away response to the rapidly evolving pandemic with new information daily. Despite this, Penn Dean of Admissions, Eric “swearing at the Eagles” Furda (C '87) sent an email to newly-admitted international students this past week promoting gap year options “just so they know they are there.”
(04/20/20 7:00am)
He breathed deeply. His hand squeezed the arm of his chair. He was nervous. Was this even safe? The girl next to him tapped him and asked if it was his first trip. He said no, but it had been a long time since he had made such a journey. A long, drawn-out “Michaellllllll” is heard from the kitchen. He gulped. It was now or never. He entered the kitchen.
(04/14/20 7:08pm)
Wendell Pritchett’s latest email provided some disheartening news for many Penn students, Penn will be sticking to it’s “opt-in” pass/fail grading system. Public response to the move was overwhelmingly negative as some students are put at a disadvantage due to lack of resources and others claim, “the stress of having to study is too much for them.”
(04/12/20 9:19pm)
As the nation remains in quarantine, the Pope and Christians around the world wonder how Easter will be celebrated in light of the COVID-19 pandemic. Celebratory plans have changed because of the virus, most notably in the form of word coming down from on High that Jesus is apparently self-quarantining and there will be no resurrection this year.
(04/07/20 6:56pm)
The world seems to be falling apart over the spread of Coronavirus (COVID-19), however, the students in Professor Max Apple’s Advanced Fiction Writing class are not at all concerned. According to interviews, the class reported that they are thrilled about their creative writing workshop, COVID-19, and swear it will make them into better writers of teen dystopian fiction.
(04/05/20 6:16pm)
Our Response to Coronavirus (COVID-19)
(03/23/20 7:00am)
Quarantine is tough for all of us, but there are still tons of exciting things to do within the confines of our homes. Remember, Isaac Newton invented calculus from quarantine. Just think of all the things you could be doing. What's that? You've been doing nothing except Netflix and Social Distance? It's time to change all that and make the most of this difficult time.
(03/20/20 7:00am)
While there will be an on-campus Commencement Ceremony when conditions are safe, after four years of hard work, some seniors are itching to get their hands on their diplomas ASAP. Catering to students’ demands, Amy Gutmann has announced that she will personally be AirDropping diplomas to the class of 2020.
(03/18/20 6:09am)
President Amy Gutmann has just announced that there will be an in-person Commencement Ceremony for the class of 2020 “when it is safe and feasible to do so.” Ecstatic about the news, seniors are eagerly marking their calendars for May of 2075.
(03/16/20 7:50pm)
First, Fro Gro closes its sacred doors, and now Penn is closing due to the “coronavirus?” Sure, Jan. There’s no way we’re believing that nonsense. It’s clear what actually happened: knowing there was no way to go on without its favorite grocery store, Penn decided to take matters into its own hands, even if it meant closing the campus.
(04/04/20 8:52pm)
Reports have just come in that Kylee Sulivan W’22 has gone missing because she dared to use an umbrella in the wind tunnel by the high-rises. Needing to decide between getting rained on or blown away, Sulivan took her chances and ended up being much later to class than she had expected.
(03/23/20 7:00am)
Life gets awkward when you start talking about Freud. Psychology professor, Harold Sigmund, found this to be all too true this past week when what started as an innocent example quickly escalated to a deeply personal tangent about his not-so-platonic love for both Chris Evans and his father.
(03/03/20 5:51am)
Sometimes I come across as rude and obnoxious. In fact, people have told me that I am nothing short of a dick, well, actually, that’s the issue. Everyone thinks my arrogant persona indicates that I’m compensating for something, and they’re right. But that is exactly why Penn needs to allow concealed carry on campus.
(03/07/20 6:49pm)
Yeah, I flubbed my SAT scores. I mean, it’s easy to add a one in front of a 600, giving you the perfect 1600 you know half of the people in this school got. And yeah, the super amazing charity which builds homes for homeless children in Africa that I wrote about in my common app doesn’t actually exist. But it would be cool if it did. Just like it would be cool if I had gotten a perfect 1600 on the SAT.
(03/02/20 5:00am)
Hello. My name is Alicia Lopez and I will be your tour guide today. With Fresh Grocer closing soon, here’s a photo tour of the place where everyone will be headed in the next couple of weeks: the CVS food section. First, I'd like to take a minute to discuss some brief safety precautions. The contents of this article are not for everyone — this article's findings may lead to depressed mood — read on at your own risk. Most importantly, remember to sit back and enjoy the ride. Let's begin with our first stop on the tour: bread.
(02/26/20 5:00am)
It’s official: the new UTB writer, Alicia Lopez (C ’23) is in fact not funny. Hysterical UTB writer and Lopez’s suitemate, Pamela de la Cruz (C ’23), confirmed our findings saying, “Alicia? Yeah, she’s one of those people who think they’re like, so funny, but really isn’t.” De la Cruz also expressed disappointment in Lopez’s choice to join the UTB staff claiming “She’s just doing it because she thinks people will feel obligated to laugh at her attempts at humor if they know she’s in UTB. If anything, it's bullying; she’s doing it to peer pressure others.”
(02/19/20 5:00am)
A national tragedy has occurred: news has recently come out that Fresh Grocer will be forced to close by none other than Penn’s own Undergraduate Assembly. Why, you ask? It’s simple.
(02/14/20 5:00am)
So you don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day? That’s fine! You’re strong and independent! Because you are totally okay without a date. It’s not like having a significant other on Valentine’s Day directly correlates with your self-worth. You’re happy alone! The streams of liquid involuntarily running down your face every time you walk past the heart-shaped chocolates at CVS are perfectly normal. Right. If you’re reading this, there’s a pretty good chance that this isn’t exactly your first alone-on-valentine’s-day rodeo. But regardless of whether this is your 1st lonely Valentine’s Day or your 78th, the UTB Staff is here to provide you with some quality suggestions of what to do when you’re spending Valentine’s Day alone.