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Hey! Were you going to walk to Lauren’s house? Oh man, I would love to walk with you, but I think I’m going to bike instead. Do you have a bike? You don’t? That’s crazy, I couldn’t imagine not having a bike and walking everywhere. So cool you do it though. Personally, every time I walk, all I think about is how much faster it would be if I were biking. But you’re so brave for doing that.
In a shocking turn of events, the resident cool, chill girl on campus, otherwise known Carey Smith (C’22), has been convicted of first-degree murder.
Last Thursday, Amy Gutmann and the trustees of the University of Pennsylvania voted on a vital piece of legislation that could prove transformative in the fight against climate change. Facing pressure from divestment activists, students, and basically anyone whose future may be impacted by a world on fire, the University has unveiled their groundbreaking plan: a second Climate Week.
For far too long we, as a society, have allowed &pizza to wage its war against women. Spatially, &pizza functions solely as a male-dominated space, upholding the patriarchy and perpetuating antiquated gender norms. &pizza's extreme gender stratification has been identified as one of the main obstacles in influencing women's decisions to eat there and forms the basis for their historically low participation in the pizza industry.
After a successful reign of terror on the West Philadelphia community, Amy Gutmann is now expected to become the next ambassador to Germany under Biden’s America.
Listen...it’s my birthday today and the one thing you cannot say to me is “Happy Birthday.” It’s one thing if you don’t know it’s my birthday (which is today). I am willing to be the bigger person and forgive you for this heinous mistake. But if you know me and when my birthday is (again, today), how dare you force me to respond to your stupid little birthday message.
Following the recent announcement to require all sophomores to be on a dining plan, Penn has elaborated on its plan to enhance Penn's Second Year Experience program. In order to build community around shared meals and combat food insecurity, sophomores will now be locked up at the very bottom of New College House West, eating dog shit.
Listen, you stinky little meat pie...you think toilet paper is enough? You’re actually walking out of the bathroom, convinced you’re fully clean? Well, I got news for you buddy.