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(03/02/17 11:22pm)
Usually Penn doesn’t accept prodigies who are younger than 12 years old, but this past year they made an exception. Lee Piere (C ‘19) is Penn’s first and only 5-year-old student. Standing at a mere 6’1 and weighing 210 pounds, Lee has always been exceptional for his age. In fact, he reads at a 10th grade level. His parents gushed that he’s "very mature," and that they “wish he would stop telling people he's 5 years old."
(02/27/17 2:16am)
When the UTB writers heard that the Oscars are going to be on TV tonight, we decided to make a list of our favorites. Take a look!
(02/23/17 11:02pm)
This survey will help us make UTB, and Penn, better for everybody. It could, perhaps, be compared to Trump's Mainstream Media Accountability Survey. Please scroll down through the questions, and answer as accurately as possible.
(02/20/17 7:51pm)
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you may have noticed that there were/are a lot of visitors at Penn this weekend. No, it’s not just Global Warming enthusiasts who came to enjoy the warm weather - it’s because most schools in America have today, and for some even tomorrow off of school. That’s because today is President’s Day. But why doesn’t Penn have off?
(02/17/17 8:00pm)
**note: Although the event has yet to take place, we weren’t planning on going anyways, so this premature review should suffice.
(02/14/17 7:03pm)
As all of our readers know, today is National Pet Theft Awareness Day. But to anyone who happens to be unfamiliar with the holiday, it occurs in the United States of America every February 14th, making this otherwise-innocuous February day remarkable. It is one of the most popular holidays in the country, and companies like Hallmark make big bucks off of it every year. This year, NPTAD truly couldn’t come soon enough. Amy Gutmann’s aggressive tweets have been alienating many, people have been tripping all over Locust Walk, and some students went a little too hard last weekend (okay, in terms of studying). What we’re saying is, Penn students really needed a pick-me-up. And what's a better fix than spreading the word about Pet Theft?
(02/06/17 7:31pm)
Approximately two months ago, UTB published an article citing the popular social networking/gaming site Club Penguin as proof that global warming does not exist. Then, on January 31st, just eleven days after President Barack Obama left the White House, Club Penguin announced that it is shutting down. The well-loved virtual reality will be replaced by the mobile program, “Club Penguin Island”: a tropical version of the frozen tundra we’re used to.
(02/02/17 9:48pm)
If you grew up in America, you probably don’t really think twice about Groundhog Day other than to find out if Punxsutawney 5.0 says there’s gonna be 6 more weeks of winter. But for anyone who did not grow up in the US, Groundhog Day is probably the weirdest American event since the election of Donald Trump. UTB took it upon ourselves to educate some of these sheltered students, and here’s how it turned out:
(01/23/17 7:55pm)
It’s common knowledge that Penn is well known partially for the excellence of our business school, famous for its esteemed faculty and more recently, according to the New Yorker, as the school where President Trump did a “stint.” But Wharton students are basically amateurs in comparison to the real business gurus of the world: dominant in the dessert industry and the movement for American obesity, Girl Scouts have got us all exactly where they want us.
(12/14/16 1:17am)
UTB recently uncovered some sketchy stuff about the Daily Pennsylvanian’s photo(s?) of Dean Furda. After a radical public outcry, we felt obligated to go further with our investigative journalism.
(12/09/16 9:13pm)
Penn Class of 2021 Early Decision came out today at 3:00, so UTB hit up the College Confidential ED thread to see how the applicants were doing before decisions came out. Here’s the best stuff we found:
(12/01/16 5:58pm)
This morning, millions of Americans woke up expecting another normal, crisp November 31st. We got dressed and ready to take on the weird weather and the uncertainty that accompanies a post-Amy-Gutmann-sanctuary-misinterpretation world. Little did we know that we’d be blindsided by the arrival of December a day before we’d anticipated. Talk about pulling a Mark Ruffalo!
(11/30/16 10:06pm)
Hi everyone. You have probably noticed that today’s forecast shows a high of almost 70 degrees, which in some people’s opinion is “really fucking hot for the end of November.” As a result, some people think this is suddenly an open invitation to say global warming exists. We're here to tell those people once and for all: you’re wrong and we hate you.
(11/22/16 5:34pm)
You’ve read them, you’ve listened to them, and now, you’re about to eat them. Yes, the Ancient Sumerian Tablets are back, because apparently old Etch A Sketches deserve more news coverage than Gourd Week (as if!). For those of you who have forgotten, the Sumerians were people who lived somewhere between 5 and 1,000,000,000,000,000 years ago. The Penn Museum has some Sumerian writing tablets, which were recently put to music by the museum’s resident ensemble.
(11/08/16 9:57pm)
(11/07/16 7:09pm)
If you, like UTB, are supporting Vermin Supreme for president and thus have no interest in going to Hillary’s rally tonight, you’re in luck - there’s another, equally exciting event that you can attend. Hillel is hosting a “No More Holidays Party," where they will be celebrating “all of the good parts” of Jewish holidays and “none of the bad.” That is, there will be food to celebrate the lack of Jewish Holidays in a seven day period.
(11/01/16 7:20pm)
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve probably noticed that the weather recently has been more temperamental than Mark Ruffalo deciding whether or not to come to Penn. Over the last week, the temperature has fluctuated between shorts and a t-shirt study-on-the-grass outside level to the level of coldness required for a bunch of Penn students to disrespect our troops. On Sunday, the afternoon went from sunshiney, 78 degree weather to an apocalypse not unlike the inside of Amy Gutmann’s head when her GoFundMe raised a total of $0. It was terrible. So, rather than accepting the ridiculous weather, which would be almost as devastating as the end of gourd week, we did a little research to figure out who’s behind all this. Here’s what we found:
(10/28/16 7:00pm)
Halloweekend downtowns are in full swing, and like just about every other college student, you’re probably still struggling to pull together a standout costume. UTB is here to help.
(10/24/16 4:54pm)
First the Gender Neutral Bathroom Launch Party, and now this?! Hillel is hosting an event today at 6:00 called “Shake Shaq,” which refers to an Instagram caption by Shake Shack CEO Randy Garutti in a photo with the basketball star. Their play on the words "shake" (as in the ceremonial lulav and etrog) and "shack" (as in a house-type structure like a sukkah) implied that there would be Shake Shack available, so in order to avoid confusion, Hillel clarified (in the event description on Facebook) that Shake Shack would not be served.
(10/18/16 4:30pm)
A collection of Sumerian clay tablets at the Penn Museum was just translated and they put Donald Trump’s tweets to shame. Penn students have been rejoicing as they frantically delete drunk selfies to make room on their devices for this sick new mixtape. While it’s not Taylor Swift’s secret album, it’s even better (plus it might actually be on Spotify). In celebration of the harvest, the Sumerians invented a celebration that would put the American practice of massacring Native Americans to shame – they wrote hypothetical (or not?) arguments between farm tools. The plow and the hoe go at it in a series of exchanges as intense as the 2016 Republican primary debates. Check out this hilarious excerpt: