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Greedy and Bloodthirsty Administration Urges Students to Put Penn as Their Life Insurance Beneficiary

(10/09/20 1:00pm)

In the wake of hefty financial losses from COVID-19, The University of Pennsylvania administration has come up with its next big plan to regain funds. While other schools have simply raised tuition, Penn has chosen a different, more morally-ambiguous path. The administration has urged the students to put the University down as their life insurance beneficiary, and, after doing so, the students will be hunted down for sport. Is it ethical? No. Is it necessary? Apparently.

Jenna Still Haunted by Guilt From Leaving Fish in Dorm for Spring Break

(09/29/20 7:47am)

It started out innocently enough as Jenna was packing to go home to California for a week for spring break last semester. She brought a handful of clothes, but left everything else, including her pet fish, Bubbles, in her single in Rodin. It was only going to be a week but she wanted to be responsible, so she bought him slow release fish food so that he would eat every day until he came back. She left thinking nothing more of it. 

Pandemic Doing Wonders for Students’ Growing Dislike of Others

(09/24/20 6:43pm)

From family to friends to strangers, there’s no limit on who to hate these past few months. The pandemic grudges are strong and only seem to grow in power every day. Can you stand being in the house with your two roommates, hearing them throw up cold pizza and vodka for one more weekend? Are you through with your professor who doesn’t know how to share his slides? Finally fucking finished receiving tuition bills for the University of Phoenix? If this describes you, I want to ask you to join the club and embrace the pandemic hatred.

Frat Pong Table Wonders Where Everyone Went

(09/23/20 1:11pm)

Pong table at Pi Kappa Alpha never thought it would miss getting beer and vomit spilled on it. In retrospect, it thinks, those were the good old days. The table missed seeing the frat guys slowly develop hearing loss and miss their shot with girls every weekend. It was like the whole house left without even saying goodbye. The table now faced days in the dark with no one to talk to but the foosball table. Sure the foosball table was better than nothing, but all the little soccer men are so cliquey the pong table feels left out.