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College sophomore Claire Sturges already knows what she will wear to her casual hookup's fraternity formal tonight: her trusty Little Black Dress and a pair of sleek nude heels. She will also, naively, wear her nicest pair of panties and matching bra as a little surprise for her date — as if he'll actually fucking notice when they bone later in the evening.
In a stunning display of braggadocio, College senior Eric Young emerged from the CVS Pharmacy on 40th and Walnut Streets carrying a 24-pack of toilet paper, signaling to all in his path that he maintains a high-fiber diet.
When the Starbucks on 34th and Chestnut streets announced that it would close in early December, nearby Penn Law students were shaken to their core. But rather than standing idly by, students specializing in human rights law banded together and turned their outrage into action, pooling their skills, training, and resources to support the vulnerable franchise.
Last week, the unthinkable happened. Let me set the scene: I was zoned out in class when I felt a familiar twinge in my lower abdomen and a warm, sanguine rush beneath me. I ducked under my desk and dug through my bag for something, anything, that would stop the violent hemorrhage wreaking havoc on my favorite bloomers. Nothing.
Advanced registration for Spring courses ends Sunday, but for Engineering freshman Jasper Tisdale, the two weeks allotted for this task still won't be enough.
Judgmental gym-goers at Pottruck Health and Fitness Center were forced to reconsider their assumptions when it became apparent that a girl who appeared to be lounging on the mats and texting was actually engaged in a vigorous Kegel workout.
Calling your professor "mom": it happens to every college student at some point or another, and it never fails to humiliate all involved. Fortunately for Tara Skolnick (C '20), she made it through a solid two and a half years without ever making this particular gaffe.
New research conducted by Penn psychologists has concluded that if one more person talks to me today, I will absolutely fucking lose my shit.
Hey guys, watch this! I'm gonna murder this Wawa hoagie in one bite.
A group of Penn Law professors has come to the conclusion that wanting to fuck Gritty, the new Philadelphia Flyers mascot, does not make you a furry.
Chase Cavanaugh is not like other frat boys.
Reflecting back on the past three years, College senior Jason Klipp thought he had Penn just about figured out. He knew the fastest route through campus, the coolest classes in his major, and the best places to drop a deuce between classes. But on Wednesday, it became painfully clear that there was one aspect of Penn life he was never able to master: accurately spelling out the surname of our great leader, Dr. Amy Gutmann.
Under the Button dot com is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous Op-Ed essay sent on specific terms to special correspondent Lea Eisenstein, who has agreed to publish it under her own name. We have done so at the request of the author, a senior official in the Gutmann administration whose identity is known to us and whose job would be jeopardized by its disclosure. We believe publishing this essay anonymously is the only way to deliver an important perspective to our readers.
Greetings, fellow members of Free & For Sale.
This finals season is proving to be a difficult one. I have spent many a late hour studying in the library alongside my collegiate brethren doing the very same. And it is you, dear brethren, whom I would like to address.
Nature Valley granola bars are delicious, nutritious snacks, making them a classic staple of every busy college student's diet. The only problem with this portable delight? It inevitably disintegrates between your greasy fingers before you even get to the second bar. The next thing you know, you're shrieking in despair in the middle of Locust Walk. Yikes! Here are some quick tips to help you stop shouting "No! Me precious morsels!" like a grubby little troll every time your Oats 'n Honey crumbles in your hands.
When Caroline Jimenez (W '19) saw a rodent scurry boldly across her kitchen floor one evening this semester, she did what any concerned renter would do: call up her landlord and put in a maintenance request for traps.
Picture this: it's your busiest day of the week. You've got six hours of classes back-to-back ahead of you, and zero time to grab a real lunch. So, you pull an Obama and eat a fistful of stale almonds during the ten-minute break in your seminar and pray it'll tide you over for the rest of the afternoon.
A new report detailing the status of queer theory courses at Penn has revealed what many students have already suspected: every other student in the queer theory class you're in has a cooler haircut than you.
A team of researchers at the Perelman School of Medicine has found that students who experience prolonged periods of sleep deprivation no write good the words after time. Very bad for the writing of the words, the people, they discovered.