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Professor Riding High of Student's Polite Chuckle All Day

(10/21/19 2:21pm)

Professor Jonathan Filson of the Philosophy Department has been riding the euphoric high of receiving a polite chuckle from his students all last Thursday after making what has been described as “a pretty relatable quip” about the semantics of a posteriori statements in modal logic. The joke was met with measured and seemingly forced laughter from the group of disengaged students, which obviously left Professor Filson fairly ecstatic.

Report: New UTB Staff Writer Patrick Rich Actually Very Cool, Nice 

(10/03/19 2:10pm)

Reports are coming in from several sources that Under the Button’s newest staff writer Patrick Rich (C '20 & W '20) is actually pretty nice and cool. Little is known about the enigmatic Rich, except that he’s cool, in addition to being nice. Sources contacting our reporters asked not to be identified but claimed to know Mr. Rich rather well. “He’s really nice,” they said. “And cool,” they often added. 

To the Boy I Saw on Locust Reading a Book Called ‘the Laws of Murder’: Pretty Sure the Law Is ‘No Murder’

(10/02/19 2:57pm)

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the appeal of a good book. We’ve all settled in on a rainy Sunday with a dog-eared copy of "Everybody Wants to Go to Heaven but Nobody Wants to Die," or another of Dr. Gutmann’s masterpieces. But you’ve crossed a line here, buddy. I mean, “The Laws of Murder”? I’ll tell you what the law is, guy — it’s “No Murder.”