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Risks are inherent in asking a question during a crowded lecture. Your voice can crack, someone may have already asked your question, or a third bad thing could happen. Last Thursday, Jeremy Kleinbahn (E ’20) became acquainted with one of those risks.
Less than a week after the DP published a piece on legacy admissions, students called attention to another problematic facet of Penn’s student body: locusts, who make up about one-half of all undergraduate students, according to new data released regarding the class of 2021.
Burglary
I believe freedom of speech is the most important right we have as Americans. It gives me the right to say anything I want—and no one can disagree. If you disagree with the things I say, you attack my freedom of speech, because you are saying I should not be saying those things.
As students move off campus, they often assume the frightening burden of furnishing their new home. They face difficult questions, such as, what is furniture? Is IKEA the only type of furniture? How many times has something heinous occurred on top of this used IKEA mattress?
When Norman Fishman (W ’89) returned to campus during Alumni weekend, there was only one site he wanted to see: Ben on the Bench, the urea-painted statue on 37th and Locust. So, while the rest of his classmates enjoyed a picnic and reminisced about wholesome collegiate experiences, Fishman dragged his family to the spot where he once "heroically" desecrated an American legend.
This past weekend, from May 12-15, Penn alumni of all ages and privileged backgrounds gathered on campus to reconnect with former classmates and faculty. However, attendees were shocked by the appearance of one unexpected guest on Saturday. President Amy Gutmann made an impromptu presentation on campus, attempting to solicit money as a result of her heart-wrenching 2.7% salary decrease.
You may know of Clyde Kelly, the Penn student “famous” for rapping who was a consultant at McKinsey & Company before enrolling at Wharton for an MBA. However, some talented Penn students prefer to fly under the radar, such as Josh Ross, an PhD student in Chemical Engineering. Ross isn’t a rapper—in fact, he has no musical ability whatsoever— but claims there is something that makes him stand out slightly among his peers.
After reading the tenth email from admissions pleading for students to volunteer as hosts for Quaker Days, freshman Abby Kipling signed up. She acknowledged that her admitted student could potentially be weird, smelly, or likely both, but did not expect to receive and be obliged to care for three live tigers.
It took the Jews hundreds of years to be liberated from slavery in Egypt, but only forty-five seconds for College sophomore Ari Katz to break free from students handing out flyers on Locust Walk.
Penn spends over $900 million on research annually, and it looks like it’s finally starting to pay off. Researchers at the Perelman School of Medicine have developed a pill that, when taken, causes the user to experience a euphoria almost identical to that of crossing the street and receiving a green light in both directions.
It was in the middle of his sociology lecture that Joseph Cohen had a revelation.
It's happened at Carnegie Mellon, MIT, UC San Diego, recently at fellow Ivy Columbia, and now, unfortunately, at Penn. This week, Penn Admissions committed the painfully common mistake of sending out acceptances to those not actually accepted, accidentally emailing the news to every high-school senior in the country whose family possesses a degree of wealth in the top one-percent of all U.S. households. Affluent teens from all over the country were ecstatic when they opened their golden MacBooks to see an email titled “Hurrah!" informing them of their acceptance.
In an effort to boost inclusivity and general campus welfare, Penn Residential Services has decided to allow families of mice to participate in the on-campus housing selection process for 2017-2018. The decision came after some rodent families expressed dissatisfaction with the lack of options offered by the University, in terms of both physical space and roommates.
Times are tough at the School of Veterinary Medicine. In his new budget proposal, Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf proposed a $30 million cut in state funding to the Vet School, infamous for its regular collection of semen from stallions for reproductive and research purposes. Even though Penn is a private university, certain higher-education programs in Pennsylvania, like the Vet School, receive funding from the Commonwealth. (Ed. note: The Vet School does other things besides masturbate horses. But, because those things are not masturbating horses they are unimportant.)
You may have been a victim of the recent phishing scam sent out to numerous Penn students, asking for the recipients to input their PennKey and password into a fake website. You also may have been foolish enough to fall for it, in which case you should send an email to scam@underthebutton.com with your credit card number and security code so we can be sure nothing like that ever happens again. (Do it.)
There are lots of things happening at Penn. Some of those things were probably covered at the “State of the School” event, although no one at UTB would know because we did not attend. Nonetheless, because we are a professional publication, we will review it and present a 100% accurate recap of what happened.
On Wednesday of this week, the slickest financial minds in West Philly (upperclassman in Wharton) gathered at Huntsman Hall to give internship advice to young aspiring leech—we mean, business students. The upperclassmen told of personal experiences and provided tips on how to acquire unpaid slave positions. Refreshments were provided at $10,000 a plate.
About two months ago, we at UTB decided to download Tapingo (FYI it's pronounced "tuh-PING-oh", according to the company), a food delivery app recently adopted by Penn Dining and surrounding restaurants. We have not used it since, and we're pretty sure that it knows. A few days ago, this notification popped up:
In 1946, researchers at Penn’s Moore School of Electrical Engineering developed ENIAC, the world’s first general-purpose digital computer. The milestone is hailed as the beginning of the global computer revolution.