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Nostalgic Alumnus Fondly Recounts Peeing on Ben on the Bench to Family

(05/17/17 6:53pm)

When Norman Fishman (W ’89) returned to campus during Alumni weekend, there was only one site he wanted to see: Ben on the Bench, the urea-painted statue on 37th and Locust. So, while the rest of his classmates enjoyed a picnic and reminisced about wholesome collegiate experiences, Fishman dragged his family to the spot where he once "heroically" desecrated an American legend.

Penn Security Discovers Trump Hiding in Bushes During Alumni Weekend

(05/15/17 5:13pm)

This past weekend, from May 12-15, Penn alumni of all ages and privileged backgrounds gathered on campus to reconnect with former classmates and faculty. However, attendees were shocked by the appearance of one unexpected guest on Saturday. President Amy Gutmann made an impromptu presentation on campus, attempting to solicit money as a result of her heart-wrenching 2.7% salary decrease.

Meet the Engineering PhD Student Who Isn’t a Rapper But Is Pretty Good At Juggling

(04/28/17 9:29pm)

You may know of Clyde Kelly, the Penn student “famous” for rapping who was a consultant at McKinsey & Company before enrolling at Wharton for an MBA. However, some talented Penn students prefer to fly under the radar, such as Josh Ross, an PhD student in Chemical Engineering. Ross isn’t a rapper—in fact, he has no musical ability whatsoever— but claims there is something that makes him stand out slightly among his peers.

Penn Researchers Develop Drug That Recreates Feeling of Receiving a Green Light in Both Directions When Crossing the Street

(04/07/17 5:13pm)

Penn spends over $900 million on research annually, and it looks like it’s finally starting to pay off. Researchers at the Perelman School of Medicine have developed a pill that, when taken, causes the user to experience a euphoria almost identical to that of crossing the street and receiving a green light in both directions.

Penn Accidentally Sends Acceptances to Every 17- and 18-Year-Old Member of The Top 1%, Will Not Rescind Any

(03/04/17 5:24pm)

It's happened at Carnegie Mellon, MIT, UC San Diego, recently at fellow Ivy Columbia, and now, unfortunately, at Penn. This week, Penn Admissions committed the painfully common mistake of sending out acceptances to those not actually accepted, accidentally emailing the news to every high-school senior in the country whose family possesses a degree of wealth in the top one-percent of all U.S. households. Affluent teens from all over the country were ecstatic when they opened their golden MacBooks to see an email titled “Hurrah!" informing them of their acceptance.

University To Allow Families Of Mice To Take Part In Housing Selection For 2017-2018

(02/24/17 6:16pm)

In an effort to boost inclusivity and general campus welfare, Penn Residential Services has decided to allow families of mice to participate in the on-campus housing selection process for 2017-2018. The decision came after some rodent families expressed dissatisfaction with the lack of options offered by the University, in terms of both physical space and roommates.

Governor Tom Wolf Hates Horse Masturbation (Or Does It Himself)

(02/17/17 5:39pm)

Times are tough at the School of Veterinary Medicine. In his new budget proposal, Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf proposed a $30 million cut in state funding to the Vet School, infamous for its regular collection of semen from stallions for reproductive and research purposes. Even though Penn is a private university, certain higher-education programs in Pennsylvania, like the Vet School, receive funding from the Commonwealth. (Ed. note: The Vet School does other things besides masturbate horses. But, because those things are not masturbating horses they are unimportant.)

Beware: Email Scam Requests That Students Pay Exorbitant “Tuition” And “Fees”

(02/13/17 4:03pm)

You may have been a victim of the recent phishing scam sent out to numerous Penn students, asking for the recipients to input their PennKey and password into a fake website. You also may have been foolish enough to fall for it, in which case you should send an email to scam@underthebutton.com with your credit card number and security code so we can be sure nothing like that ever happens again. (Do it.)

UTB Reviews: Freshmen-Sophomore Finance Internship Panel

(02/03/17 7:42pm)

On Wednesday of this week, the slickest financial minds in West Philly (upperclassman in Wharton) gathered at Huntsman Hall to give internship advice to young aspiring leech—we mean, business students. The upperclassmen told of personal experiences and provided tips on how to acquire unpaid slave positions. Refreshments were provided at $10,000 a plate.