Crime Log: August 29-September 5

Burglary

Aug 29: Freshman caught breaking into Van-Pelt at 3 AM to steal a book for a class. The concept of a library was promptly explained to him. No charges were filed.

Assault

Sep 1: Anonymous student filed complaint against brick on Locust for allegedly tripping him. Was later tracked down and informed that this is a common occurrence and he should get off his phone and watch where he’s going, dick.

Fraud

Sep 2: Freshman girl reported that a guy she met during party claimed he had started his own business, but it was later revealed to her that he had just flipped a couch from craigslist once.

Harassment

Sep. 3: Three men without senses of humor commented rudely on a fantastic and thought-provoking op-ed from Under the Button.

Theft

Bike: 2

Unicycle: 1

Those dumb motorized longboards: 20

Priceless personal items from frat houses during NSO parties: 1 (please return the portrait of my great-grandparents)