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Last week, the United States House Oversight and Accountability Committee sent a letter to University of Pennsylvania President Liz Magill requesting information on any and all students living in campus dorms of Chinese descent or with “foreign-sounding last names in general.” The letter, signed by committee Chairman Rep. James Comer (R-Ky.), alleges that the University received “millions of dollars from anonymous Chinese sources” after the foundation of the Penn Biden Center and continues to provide “material support” to the Communist Party of China by “allowing Asians” on campus. The letter, merely the latest development in a string of ongoing crises regarding disputed ties between the People’s Republic of China and the Biden Center, comes just days after Congressional Republicans accused Penn of offering Chinese language classes.
Mild fascination abounded in a campus dorm room this evening as local Chinese couple Liu Jiayi (C ‘25) and Tommy Wang (W ‘25) discovered that their familial lines descended from the neighboring provinces of Luōdé Dǎo (Rhode Island) and Kāngnièdígé (Connecticut). “Wait, what dialect do you speak at home?” asked Liu. “Western New England English,” Wang replied to her relative amazement. “That’s so cool!” she responded.
A local writing seminar was left in shock last Tuesday after hearing an intranational student introduce himself during an icebreaker. Arthur Hayward (C ‘26), who originally hails from the distant city of Newark, New Jersey, stunned his classmates as he expounded upon his name, major, and one (1) fun fact in impeccable Standard American English.
Editor’s note: At Under the Button, we pride ourselves on providing our readers with balanced coverage of hot-button issues. This week, we’re proud to share the op-eds of Omar Brown (C ‘24), a sociology major from Michigan who lived in public housing until his freshman year of high school, and Jack Rutherford III (W ‘26) of New York, who experienced displacement when his family moved from their penthouse in Brooklyn to a bigger penthouse in Manhattan.
Penn bested Harvard and Columbia yet again this week after being ranked first in the U.S. News and World Report’s “Most Cartoonishly Evil Alumni” list. The ranking, compiled by representatives from the NRA, McKinsey, and Nestle, scored the University’s alumni on factors like hedonism, self-interest, and mendacity. While U.S. News editors congratulated the University for its strong network of alumni working as fossil fuel executives and consultants for authoritarian regimes, they did note that Penn’s scores had been slipping for some time.
Renowned prankster and part-time University President Liz Magill announced early this week that Penn would divest its $20.7 billion endowment from any and all holdings in fossil fuel assets as she held her fingers crossed behind her back. While she attempted to stifle a snicker, she explained the rationale behind her long-awaited decision.
A tragic scene will play out tonight at an off-campus frat house, as local brother Josh Williamson (Ψ ‘25) remains completely ignorant to the fact that his life satisfaction will peak at 2:23 am in a sweaty basement. Reports say that he’ll begin his night by getting excessively intoxicated, spending several hours jumping around to overplayed pop music. Several minutes before his peak, at 2:21, Williamson will meet his one and only soulmate, someone named Sophie or Samantha or Sandy or something like that (? ‘25). They’ll have the most amazing conversation that he’ll never forget before he proceeds to say something absolutely out-of-pocket in his drunken fugue, completely ruining his chances of ever getting with her.
Late last week, the Political Bureau of the Communist Party of China Central Committee released its annual ideological orthodoxy report, ranking Penn second. Penn was rated lower than Peking University but came ahead of other institutions such as Moscow State College, Kim Il-Sung University, and Columbia University.
In the University of Pennsylvania’s largest academic overhaul since its Department of Philosophy began offering the Navel Gazing and Intoxicated Debating concentrations in 2008, the Wharton School approved the creation of the WCC (White-Collar Crime) minor for interested undergraduates starting in the Fall 2023 semester.
The numbers are in, and they’re promising: Penn is doing more than the bare minimum for its minority communities.