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Stain on Quad Floor Is Not the Usual Blood of the Innocent, Is Actually Vomit


Photo (with edits by Sophie Trotto) by Tusur / CC BY-SA 4.0

On an average Tuesday night in Goldberg Lounge in Fisher Hassenfeld, the hall floor is usually covered in a fine layer of salt, with the occasional splashes of crimson from whoever is chosen to be the surface for the weekly ritual. Residents can be found throughout the night using the common area for their Satanic projects, and joining together with others in the house for a night of unholy fun with the damned souls of the dead. 

This past Tuesday, the regularly scheduled demonic ritual was interrupted by a visibly inebriated freshman, Zachary Thompson, who stumbled into the pentagram before vomiting across the carefully drawn ancient summoning runes.

RA Danika Smith expressed her disgust at Thompson’s callous disregard for the Satanic community at Penn, saying what he did was “really gross.” Her ire was compounded by the fact that she had to return the two engineering students from her hall she had planned to use as her sacrifices, which she says was “a waste of two great examples of human suffering.”

Thompson’s interference resulted in a botched ritual and the permanent banishment of five freshmen to the accursed halls of the DRL, where they will be forced to wander until this planet falls into the Sun and Our Dark Savior rises. 

The House Dean, when questioned about the incident, said that the regularly scheduled Sunday evening summoning of TRORZOMUUTH, DESTROYER OF WORLDS, and BALGOROTH, CONSUMER OF FLESH, and BILL will proceed as originally planned, and that there will be snacks. Please communicate any dietary restrictions to the House Dean as soon as possible.