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BREAKING: Startup Founder Looking to Hire Friends


Photo by reynermedia / CC BY 2.0

No doubt about it, CIS major and entrepreneur Joey Freeman (E ‘21, W '21) means business.

As a sophomore in high school, he created an app like Tinder, but for use exclusively by JUUL enthusiasts. During senior year, he redeveloped MySpace, but for K-pop lovers only. As a freshman at Penn, he created a functioning version of goPuff.

However, his new startup, a service he described as "Craigslist for iguanas," may have been a little too niche.

“I just … think a friend would be a great asset for me and my company right about now,” Freeman blurted out, sobbing uncontrollably as his bank balance dropped by another thousand dollars.

Taking the initiative as always, Freeman set up a booth along Locust to find the right person for the job. Currently, his company is seeking someone fluent in HTML, JavaScript, and casual conversations.

A total of thirty applicants stopped by Freeman’s booth, and eight were called back for a second-round interview. Upon hearing that there was a second round however, all eight quickly lost interest.

“We were fruitless this time, but we shall try again! Tomorrow!” Freeman proclaimed in his empty dorm room as he slipped another microdose of LSD into his Soylent.

If you’re still reading this, then do my boy Joey a favor and drop him five bucks on Venmo, okay? He’s going through a rough patch.