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Sanitary! Student Announces He's Pre-Med Before Disinfecting Your Cut with Cheap Vodka


Photo by whitesession / CC0

A hero and medical genius is on the loose at the University of Pennsylvania according to a report from a wounded partygoer after a particularly wild Friday night out. 

Delia Sacks (C ’22) bravely recounted (what she remembers of) her night to Under the Button: “Basically, I think that I, like, fell. Probably tripped over something that shouldn’t have been there in the first place. Or maybe slipped in a puddle of alc. Honest mistake, really.” 

“This bitch climbed on a stack of bricks while wasted, tried to hop off and shockingly ended up eating shit,” her best friend Kendall Leeman (E ’22) interjected. “She deserves to suffer.” 

“I thought I was done for…my future? Over. But then…then this mysterious figure entered my hazy view, essentially swept me off my feet and guided me towards the bar,” Sacks shared as if testifying. “I was so confused…Couldn’t even get a good look at his face. So I asked him, ‘What’s your name?’” 

As he unscrewed a handle of Tito’s, the elusive figure responded, “Me?” He chuckled, “I’m pre-med.” According to Sacks, he subsequently tilted the handle over the side of her thigh and let the vodka dribble down and seep into the now disinfected wounds. 

“My gashes might be gone, but what I witnessed that night will never fade,” Sacks concluded. “I wish I had seen his face…” she added regretfully. “I’ve always wanted to know what a hero looks like.”